Abby is not that great today. She did have her morning seizure at exactly 5:30 a.m. again today. It was a hard one. I let her sleep until 6:45 a.m. and tried to get her up to try and get to school on time. As we walked to her room to get her dressed, she started crying and saying that her legs tingled and hurt. She was limping pretty badly. So we went back to bed until 7:30 a.m. and then she was better. We got to school at 9 a.m. again.
When I picked her up, her teacher said she'd had a bad day. Lots of daze staring (which can be seizures) and lots of talk that didn't make sense. "No complete thoughts or sentences," she said. I had to pick up the dog from the groomers, mail some "thank you's" and pick up the taxes after school and she was very out of it in the car... even after a hot chocolate. Her pupils were/are huge and so I have given her some meds and have her resting. We see the doctor Monday morning... just get us to Monday morning.
I have come to realize many things this week. One is that the craziness of our life has got to stop... there are things we can't change but other things we can... and I am... changing them. I have pulled out of several activities and have a couple more I want to back away from. This will help me focus on the other things that are just not getting enough of me.
The second thing is the big thing... and I am so thankful for it... for the clarity of it... for the release from it.
I am not responsible for Abby's illness. I can not fix her. She has a genetic cellular disease. She is not still sick because I am not doing enough, researching enough, praying enough, fasting enough, sanctified enough, pure enough, worthy enough, or spiritual enough.
I have been bound for years... many years... thinking that if I did any or all of the above better... or enough... that God would heal her because of it. It has caused me so much pain, anger, heart break, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and confusion... it has eatten away at the very heart of who I was... who I am... it has stolen the life right out of me... and THAT has affected those around me.
God can heal her anytime and in anyway... and it doesn't depend on me. God has a plan. God is in control. And he doesn't need me to do anything in order to heal Abby. What he does need from me is to love her, to love my family, to love others, and to love him. The strain and pain and heart break of trying to measure up to being spiritual enough for God to heal my child has kept me from doing well what he simply wants me to do... love.
I can not even put into words the weight and sadness and feelings of betrayal that have been lifted off of me... just by accepting the above. I don't have to fight anymore... and it's a good thing... because I am all fought out. I am whipped. I am defeated. I am depleted and worn down.
So now I have to refocus on what my priorities need to be and learning how to live here... in this place... where I don't have to fight anymore. Where I don't have to be good enough anymore. Where I don't have to earn God's favor and mercy in order for him to heal Abby. I can rest in the fact that I simply have to love... I hope... I hope I can rest. Fighting has become such a huge part of who I am now... it will be a struggle to lay it down I am sure.
When Abby had her seizure this morning, I didn't feel betrayed. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel like I had failed. I didn't feel it was about me at all. I was simply sad for her, got her back to bed, gave her the time she needed, and loved her. And it was so nice to start the day without being angry with God... without feeling rejected, betrayed, or not good enough. I was simply a mother... loving and helping her sick child. This is where I hope I can stay.
photos are from http://www.ajawin.etsy.com