I have been pondering. This past week has been a really nasty week. I have felt like I have been walking around half sleep walking just waiting to wake up and realize I had a really long bad dream. Sleepwalking with a horrid constant dull burning headache and neck ache with occasional dizziness nausea and vomiting with waves running across my right eye vision... but sleep walking non the less. HA
So I was pondering... a lot. Pondering what was causing it. Pondering how long it was going to last. Pondering if it was going to get worse. Pondering what I was going to do. Pondering how I could continue walking through life in that state. Pondering how really sick people must feel as they try and walk through their life. Pondering. Pondering why my stress level is and usually remains so high. Pondering why prayer is not seeming to help. Pondering why I feel so many of the emotions I feel.
Living with almost constant physical pain has been my "norm" for years now. I smile through it, although I can be irritable way more often that I like. I live through it and just deal with it. I have my moments but I have just walked through it. I pondered this past week how in the world I was going to keep smiling my way through THIS if THIS became my new norm. I don't really think I could. I was really figuring that something was seriously going to have to change because last week can NOT become my new norm. It just can't. I can't function on pain killers and anti-dizzy pills that make me want to stay in bed all day. It just won't work.
And my mind wondered back to the weekend of bliss I had at the week just days before the bottom fell out for me. What a treat that was. So in my pondering and staring at the ceiling one day, in an effort to not get dizzy, I dissected that little trip trying to find every detail and reason why it was so amazing and why I felt more like myself, the real me, there than I have in... well... years.
Several things came to mind. The beach air alone makes me happy. The feel of it, the movement of it, the smell of it, the sound of it... just-makes-me-happy. OK. Next. The house made me happy. Why? It was exactly the house I would build/buy/steal/do anything to have... the colors, the floor plan, the porches, the side yard, everything. And then another thing hit me. And I felt it is the kicker... the main reason... the underlying reason that took me just a few hours of pondering to really find. Finally. An unlocked door to future happiness...
THERE WERE NO PROJECTS. There was no pile of clothes to give a friend, take to the thrift store, mend, or put away in the attic. There was no piece of furniture waiting to be painted. There was no room waiting to be finished. There were NO things needing to be done, placed, taken somewhere, fixed, removed, waxed, sealed, stored.... I just walked into peace. Everything was in place. Each person unpacked one bag and that is ALL we had. The kids had one drawer of clothes each. I had a couple shelves in a magnificent closet and a couple pieces hanging up. I had the one bag a makeup and the few items of toiletries.
De-cluttered. Simplified. Easy. Peaceful. Hmmmmmm.
The "things" in my life are taking over my mind space. THAT is part of the reason I felt free. THAT is why my mind could rest. THAT is what I have to get a closer grip on here... in my every day life. Really. Really. Really.
So before anything else is done... before the lazy susan is sanded and waxed, before the little wooden chair for Abby's desk is painted, before the walls of the kids "new" rooms are painted, before the bottom kitchen cabinets are painted, before much else happens... I am purging.
Twenty items a day for 20 days are being removed. I started today.
Day #1: Today was an easy one. Twenty magazines... O-U-T and into the recycle bin. My heart said... "Ask if Abby's teacher wants them for crafts at school," and then my mind yelled, "NOOOOOO... that is how you pile/save things up in the first place... RUNNNNNN to the recycle bin NOWWWWW!" and so I did. And actually, I think it was 22 that got chucked! I looked through a couple... just in case there was some amazing article in it that I would be heartbroken to lose and then I said, "really? Stop." And I did. I only tore out 2 pages! The rest was/is out of here!
I love magazines. How could one ever just be content with online magazines? I love turning the pages and I love saving the pages. HA
So here is my new plan. I have a notebook with clear sleeves in it. Every time I get a magazine and look at it/read it, I will pull the pages of recipes and inspiration and put them in my "idea book" and then recycle the magazine. I totally want a black room one day. I have seen it twice. Here, above, and another shot of a bathroom. I don't know... I love it for some reason. And so I save it. So one day when I feel really up for it... I will have my inspiration for a black powder room... something. But until then, I can look at this and think... "yeah, that totally rocks!"
That is the plan. Nineteen more days to go and 380 more items! Oh how I hope there is more clarity at the end of this
And then I took a few pictures of things that make me happy.
Like these gorgeous roses my precious and amazing husband gave me for Mother's Day. How yummy and white and elegant and clean and summery and fun all at the same time! I LOVE white roses! :0)
Couldn't you just dive into them!? Yeah. I would if I could!
And this. This just makes me happy. Hopeful! And happy.
As does this super GIANT card my sweet children gave me for Mother's Day. It is on the mantle and it cracks me up at the GIANTNESS of it every time I walk in the room. It makes me smile. :0)
My bowl of starfish make me very happy. Crazy... how a bowl filled with dead animals can make ME happy as I am crazy animal lover girl. But they do. The silver bowl was a graduation gift from my dearest college professor at the University of North Carolina... Professor Bittner. He was not liked by many students. He was hard. He could be harsh/direct/short. But for whatever reason, we clicked. He loved me and I loved him. (in a totally respectful professor pushing/cheering you on kind of way of course!) He believed in me and the gift was that it allowed me to believe in myself. He challenged me and yet he beamed with approval. He helped me get my assistant producer position at FOX my senior year. Several years later, I received a letter in the mail from his wife with the shocking news that he had lost a battle to cancer and had died. There were so many thing I should have told him. He was such a source of strength and yet the fragility of life folded in around him. I was heart broken and am still today when I think about it. But when I see this bowl, I remember him and who he is in my puzzle of life... and it makes me happy.
My living room makes me happy. :0) I still need to post about my freshen session but for now... here is half the room and it makes me smile!
Tomorrow I have nerve testing. The brochure says it will feel like I am getting a lot of shots as the needles are pressed into my muscles along my arms, neck, shoulders, back. Oh joy. Can't wait for that! :0(
Tomorrow's purge may be under the bathroom sink... in hopes of keeping it easy again!
Much, much, much love...