Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Strength ONLY in Him

Today I am reminded of how fragile I really am... how everything can change in an instant.  And I am reminded that it is a choice to cling to God.  It is a choice to trust Him.  Feelings and fears and emotions flood you and start wrapping themselves around you.  Your soul starts wrestling with the flesh as the truth stands and beckons you to stay near and find rest.

My health has been attacked greatly this year.  Last night I stood and looked at x-rays of a very crooked  back, bone spurs, degenerating disks in the neck, and a neck curved the wrong way.  To attack this problem through chiropractics in a way that will help, (time & repetition) will take over $200 a month.  The massages I am getting (not yummy pampering kind but break up the calcium and painful kind) are currently $50 a week.  So that is a total of $400 a month just for an effort at trying to get my body back into a place of health.

Taylor took an assessment test today at a Christian school we are hoping she can attend next year and that will be $500 a month.  Those two things alone = $900 a month.

So normally, I am the one that takes the cut.  I stop going to the chiropractor and don't do what I need to do because I want to save the money for other things the family needs.  But yet... I-am-falling-apart.  So this can not continue.

Last night, I was asking, myself on the way home from the x-ray reading, if we should wait for christian school for Taylor until I get my body back into a healthy place.  My heart didn't feel good about it and I was feeling selfish for thinking I should chose my needs over what we are feeling like we need to do for our daughter.  "Where am I in this?" is what I heard from the Lord.  Yep.  I slunk down in my seat.  I was giving Him no credit for doing what He does... provide.  "Are you not even going to give me the opportunity to provide?" is also what I heard.

I was feeling overwhelmed and irritable and Don kept wanting me to call a family back who are thinking about hosting.  I DIDN'T want to call them.  I wanted to talk to him about what was going on in my heart and I was starving and wanted to eat and I knew it would not be a quick conversation.  But he has a way of staying on something when he wants me to do it and maybe half the time I give in just to get him off my back.  LOL  So I called.

God was so generous and blew me away with how he ministered to me during that call.  I was floored.  I knew all the hesitation I had felt was straight from the enemy who had not wanted me to hear the words of affirmation and encouragement from a stranger... yet a sister in Christ.  She prayed with me over the phone and said several things that were straight confirmations from the LORD that He wanted me to stay on course with Taylor going to this school and that He will heal me as well.  I was very touched by the timing and how personal He is to do such things for us like that.

Then today, Abby had her last day of school.  The day was full of fun activities and a sweet time with the class and teachers.  Towards the end, Don came to tell me that the scholarship we get from the state towards Abby's tuition there had gone down for next year.  "Of course it did," was my response.  And yet, there was peace.  This was a bit strange to me, especially after last night, that I would have peace about more money we'd have to pay for schooling but I wasn't bothered one tiny bit.  Later, I was thinking about it and became bummed but there was still peace.  Don told me that it looked like we were going to owe another $1200 or more in tuition.  Long story short, I went in to sign the contract for next year and the balance we are going to owe is $2.  Two dollars.  I started crying.  I could not believe it.  And I felt Him there.  And I am so thankful for that blessing.

I came home after a friend and I took the girls to lunch to celebrate their year and Don was trying to get in touch with me.  "Southwest has announced they have sold the 717's to Delta."  There it was.  A rumor we have been dealing with for months had become truth.  My husband lost the plane he has been flying for AirTran.  Southwest bought AirTran and came at us with parties and romanced the employees with promises and dances and yee hawws and I KNEW it was a bunch of smoke.  I KNEW they just wanted our pilots to comply and come on board with the "It's a win/win" attitude and then they would kick us down.

A few months ago, they merged the pilots and he lost seniority and our pay decreased.  Now, we still had a job and we still made more than enough money and so we sucked it up and remained thankful.  But now... they have sold the plane he flies and so he has lost the plane.  And because of his seniority, or lack of seniority since the merge, he has lost the Captain seat as well since he has to move to the 737 now where all their pilots have the seniority.  And that means another cut in pay.  And even worse... it may mean he loses ATL as a base and we may have to move. 

So today, I saw our life here swept out from under us like a rug.  And I was overcome with disappointment and fear and sadness.  I am not really angry.  I was angry the first time they dorked him/us over.  I worked through all of that and was really feeling thankful for where we were.  But now, with all the uncertainty ahead, I am struggling to proclaim thankfulness.  And that is my flesh.  Because we still have boundless blessings to be thankful for.  And HE is worthy to be praised simply because of who He IS.

The thought of leaving Abby's school, our amazing friends, our spiritual support group, our home, the doctors who have walked this journey with Abby with us, and our town that we love so much... makes me deeply sad.

And that is how fragile I am.  Like a table covered in glass.  One good shake and I could shatter.  How sad is that?  I deal with shakes with Abby's health and now my health and I manage and now everything we hold dear in our physical life is shaking and I just want to shatter.  And we have no say.  No control.  We wait.  And the company will decide.  THAT is what torks me most.

"Where am I in all of this?" is what I hear... again.  And this is what I know... "You are in control of all of this.  You knew about this before you brought us here.  And you know where you want us tomorrow.  And your word, in which I trust, says you have plans for us... plans that are good.  And that you go before us AND you are our rear guard.  You tell me that ALL things work together FOR GOOD for those who love the LORD.  And you have shown me, more than once, that you are alive and living and so is your word.  And I know that trusting in you is what you want me to do.  And so I cling to that."

I have to make a choice.  And my choice is to untangle myself from the emotions and fears and disappointments that are trying to choke me right now.  And to fall into His arms.  I need help staying there.

Much love, Dawn

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