Some Truth About Motherhood
Mother's Day was yesterday and I didn't get a post done in time. I am finding it harder and harder to get time for posting. So sad. I didn't want Mother's Day to get too far in the past without this post.
My mom is one of the most amazing people I know. She gives of herself to so many people and she does it with ease and grace and joy. She does more in one day than I can do in one week... never appearing to be in a hurry or flustered. Sadly, I did not get that from her! LOL
She is creative, multi-talented, forgiving, loving, thoughtful, and simply precious. Now that I am older, I see my mom in several ways. It is really cool. When I was young, she was just my mom. But now I see her as a mother, a friend, a wife, and a daughter. I see her walk through all those roles... I see her as a whole. The older I get, I see the little girl inside her more and more. And I want to love that little girl. That little girl who has told me on several occasions, "I wish you could be my mom." It is one of the sweetest things my mom has ever said to me. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that this precious woman, whom I love so very much, did not have a mom who loved her well.
My mom is strong. She has been through many trying seasons and yet she continues to walk forward and with grace. Yes, she has made mistakes in her life, as we all have. And she will continue to make mistakes, as we all will. Because my mom, in all her greatness, in all the ways she loves her children well and in the ways they need it, in all her giving to others, and in all thoughtfulness... is not perfect. As no one is perfect. And I think becoming a mother helped me realize, accept, and even embrace the fact that mothers are not perfect. No me as a mother, not my mother, not her mother. We are all little girls, walking around in grown up bodies, trying to make the best decisions we can and make the best of what we have to work with. Giving my mother freedom to not be perfect is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given... myself. I love her with deep reckless abandon... I love her and every thing about her... even her occasional flaw.
My mom loves me like no other person can. She loves me in a raw and real way. She loves me... despite my flaws. She loves me in the moments where I border on unlovable. She loves me when I laugh and she loves me when I cry. She loves me when I am walking in the spirit and she loves me when I am wrestling with my flesh. She loves me when I am praising the LORD and she loves me when I am crying out to Him. She loves me when I am proud of my children and she loves me when I want to highly annoyed with them. She loves me like only a mom can love her child and it makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel like everything might be ok. She is love... real, tried, true, and deep love. And I adore her and am so thankful for her.
Being a mother has filled me with overflowing grace for my own mother. And as I reflect on my mother, I also reflect on my own motherhood.
I think about the kind of mother I am. All the things I like about it and all the things I hate about it. All the things I am thankful for and all the things I would change. I read a certain blog sometimes and the mother is sold out that being a mother is bliss all the time. I used to be inspired by her but now I just don't see much truth in it. Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. Especially with three. And it is NOT bliss all the time. I am sorry. That is the raw truth of it.
Having three children with three sets of needs (that vary greatly) and three sets of personalities and three hearts that receive things/words/discipline/love differently and learn differently is exhausting. I feel, very often, that I am not enough for them. That I can not meet each of their needs enough. That if I am getting it right with one I am missing it with the other two. Or if I am getting it right with two then one is not getting enough. These feelings alone can exhaust me.
Then there is the reality of life. One behaves great, the other one is too needy, and the third is too whinny. One wants to please (to a fault), one wants to rebel (to a fault) and one goes with the flow (to a fault). So as you are trying to teach one not to be too caught up in trying to please people and to make choices based on truth and what is best for her, you are draining yourself trying to teach another that the world does not revolve around her and that she has to respect boundaries and authority and then you are trying to teach the third to stand up for himself in a godly manner and not be taken advantage of and how to respond and communicate properly. All the while you are trying to prepare meals, clean up, do laundry (that NEVER EVER ENDS), attend school functions, serve at church, make quality time with your husband, spend some time with a girl friend or two, have alone time with the LORD, and exercise and have SOME moment to yourself. And trust me, I left a lot out!
Bliss? No. Sorry. Truth. Hard? Yes. Draining? Yes. Rewarding? Yes. Full of great moments and memories? Yes. Covered with uncertainty? Yes.
I am not enough for my children. But Christ is enough. If I can only stay at His feet, surrendered to Him, letting Him flow His love, patience, and wisdom through me onto them... then we will all get through this... with grace, laughter, tears, frowns, tantrums, time outs, rewards, smiles, growth, and fruit... fruit of the Spirit. And if I can find grace to give myself along the way, then I will have given myself a gift that will keep on giving! When my children look back, I want them to see, know, and say that I loved them well. No matter what we are walking through, I want them to feel loved.
I am blessed to have been chosen and trusted to have these children and to be a mom. Bliss? No. Blessed? YES.
Happy Mother's Day... to my precious mother... to my precious friends... and to myself.
Much, much love.