Thursday, January 29, 2009

Then HE found me

I went for a walk this morning... in a light drizzle. I had hit an emotional wall. I was feeling very badly. As I walked, I found I could not even pray. And then I realized that I felt I could not trust God... that I could not trust Him with wanting something good for me. If you think, in a moment, that you can't trust God, then how can you pray to Him?

I started thinking back from my childhood through many occasions into adulthood when I have felt that something good and "normal" just can't happen for me. Yes, it was a private pity party.
And as I walked, I said, to my God with whom I was rebelling against, that I did not even want to see a hawk today. Then I said to myself, " I will not even look." On one occasion, by the lake, I thought I heard one... the sound so fresh in my mind from just the other day. But I would not look.

As Dusty and I walked, I cried and in some spots even sobbed, so thankful for the drizzle that kept the trails free of most people. Then, just five minutes from home, my God, with whom I was pouting and being quite ugly with, spoke to me... through a stranger.

I saw this couple approaching. As we came up upon each other, the man looked at me and said, "Look up in the tree at the hawk." And they kept walking. I offered a weak smile and choked out a thank you and kept walking. I could not believe it. There were hundreds of trees along the trail. I glanced around for a moment and then thought, "I am never going to see him." Then, he swooped down over my head and landed five feet from me on a swaying tree branch... and I stood there and cried again. "You are beautiful," I said to him, and he turned around to face me.
I wanted so badly for him to land right on my arm. My mind was swirling with so many emotions.

"Even though you won't look for me, I am still here." "Even though you feel you can not trust me, you can." "Even though things have been and are difficult, I am still your Father and I am still good and I still love you." "And even though you told me you didn't want to see me today, I love you enough and came anyway."

After a few minutes, he flew away and I came home, still a wreck.

Then Don was called away on a trip and I went to get a movie for movie night. "Then She Found Me", directed by and acted in by Helen Hunt, caught my eye. But I already had another one in hand. I decided to get it another time. Then when I checked out, the guy told me I had a free movie coupon I could use but it had to be this week. I asked him if I could use it right then, he said yes, I went and got the movie and just finished watching it.

The movie is a raw life movie dealing with many issues with many characters. It was very moving and emotional and touched me in several ways. Then, Helen's character gets to this critical point and she won't pray. Her mother is asking her why she won't pray and she won't answer. Then she breaks and says that she had had faith and had thought God was good... but He had allowed something that had broken her heart. She comes to realize that she feels betrayed by God. I about fell off the sofa.

Without ruining the movie for anyone who decides to watch it, the ending was a blessing that caused me, yes, to cry again. I had to watch it twice... just for the moment. The gift she wanted was not given, but she was given a gift she didn't think she wanted... and it was better than she could have ever imagined.

She sums it up by talking about a Jewish saying that says... a child jumped off the stairs into his father's arms and felt love... but when he jumped and his father didn't catch him, he felt life.

I am amazed that God would reach out to me twice today... and I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness and repentance. His love is unfathomable and overflowing. And I am forever in love with Him... and hawks.

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