Flowers For Me...
I am sad today. I was ok on Tuesday. I felt God was in control and as prayerful as we have been through this whole process (over the past year and a half)... I had peace in that. I felt even better about it Wednesday. Thursday we drove home... with an empty carseat... and we decided to close this door and move on with our lives.
Just hours after being home, the lawyer called to say the birth mother again wanted to sign. We said we were not going to move forward.
Now I am overwhelmed with doubt and frustration and plain out anger... sprinkled with deep sadness of what may have been and complete exhaustion.
So I am looking for God's peace to return and I am angry it is gone. I am angry to be so manipulated. I am sad for the little one. His name is Marc. We were going to keep that name and change his middle name to Jacob. He was going to be Marc Jacob Sullivan and we were going to call him Jake.
I am praying that God has another family waiting who will not have to go through all this drama and just be able to swoop in and love him. I am praying my peace will return soon as I am rocking in wild waves of an angry storm.
So these flowers are for me today... I am giving them to myself... hoping the beautiful colors and textures will bring a smile to my heart.