And the walls come tumbling down

I have the ability to walk in a house that looks like the first picture and see it in my mind as the last picture.
It is something I have loved to do and we have done it many times.  I am a restorer.  I see the potential in something and I want to be a part of getting it there.  I LOVE seeing the finished result.

Isn't that just like our Father?  He looks down on creation and we look like the first picture.  And yet, He sees all our potential... He sees us as the last picture.  But just as it is in the physical world... it is in the spiritual world... it is a process.  And the process takes time... often triple the amount of time estimated!  And I have come to realize, over time, I don't like the process.  I want to skip the second and third pictures and just jump to done.

As you can see, we attempted to pull down wall paper in the kitchen.  It was on there like white on rice.  The wall was coming off with the paper and well, we just didn't have time.  We left two weeks after moving into this house to adopt our son.  There were other important matters to tend to and so the walls were not totally stripped.

The kitchen walls are fine.  The dinning room walls are fine.  The bathroom walls are not.  The bathrooms get hammered with steam each time someone showers.  And our master bathroom doesn't even have a vent fan.  So the steam sits in the air and festers.  Over time, that constant attack of moisture is causing a mess.

Constant attacks on my walls are causing a mess.

I mentioned yesterday that I had easily identified six walls in my life that have not been completely stripped of paper.  As I lied in bed last night, the 7th came to mind.  How I overlooked it so easily is beyond me.  Anger.

Here are my walls... six of them... the seventh I will keep to myself. 
1. Communication
2. Quality Time
3. Expectations
4. Respect
5. Submission
6. Anger

These are the sticky walls in my house that are affecting me greatly.  As they affect me, they are affecting my relationships.  And they have to come tumbling down.  Forget stripping the paper... God is hammering at them... smashing them... He wants them down... gone... cleared out.  After they are gone... there will be a wide open space for HIS presence to dwell in and flow from... nothing in His way... nothing blocking the view... no corners to dodge around... nothing blocking the light... nothing to hide behind.  And honestly, I have always preferred open floor plans anyway!  :0)

Do you have any walls in your life?  Are they blocking anything?  Are they dripping with a sticky mess as constant moisture penetrates the outside layer... revealing what is really lying beneath?

I invite you to take a look around your house.  Be honest.  Be real.  Maybe God will speak to you as I share my remodel with you.  That is why I share.  My heart's desire and ministry is to encourage others to be real... to invite others to be real and to look for God in all of it.  Life is not sunshine and lollipops all the time.  But God is in it all.  And as long as we continue to see Him and walk with Him and be real with Him through it all... we are transformed.

Amazingly, again, "Salvation" was on my calendar for discussion these last few days of November.  It is a frustrating topic for me as so many people just receive salvation and think that is it.  THAT is the prize...  the gift... but there is so much more to this christian life than being saved!  We are called to be transformed into His image and to die to ourselves and to our flesh and to our will and allow His holiness to flow through us.  And the dying and the transforming is a process.  It takes time.  It takes sweat.  It takes honesty.  It takes sacrifice. It takes obedience and selflessness.  And it takes faith.

Thank you for "sticking" with me during this time of dripping mess.  I know all too well... He is in the process of making something beautiful. 

The idea of it...

His words slapped me hard... right across the face.  "I think you like the idea of a good marriage."

In my moment of rebellion, I ignored the sting and replied back, "Oh, we don't have a good marriage... I am well aware of that."

How does this happen so quickly?  Or did it?  No.  It hasn't happened quickly.  It has happened one day at a time... for many days, weeks, months now.  And here we are.  Raw.  Distant.  Totally unconnected.  Both needy.  Both irritated.  Both wounded.  Both coping.

This is not a "he said/she said" post.  I am not here to list all the ways I feel he is in the wrong.  I can, however, list all the ways I am in the wrong.  And I can ask for prayers.  I will share my heart, because that is what I do and God will use it.  If there is one other person out there, who feels they are standing on quick sand in their marriage, then this is for you.  And it is for me.  Writing is one of the ways I process.  God often walks me through what He wants me to see as I write.

Don just showed me a text two days ago from a friend telling us of her divorce.  We see it all around us... over and over and over.  And the enemy dances with delight.  Ripping apart families is just one of the things he delights in... and works at with determined diligence.  And so I write.  I share.  This is us... now.  Again, we are not perfect.  We are real.  We are imperfect.

I have said it once, I will say it again, when I am wounded... I am like a man... I retreat.  I pull away.  I withhold affection.  I withhold my heart.  I go into protection and survival mode... and that means pulling in.  It can start so subtly that I may not notice until I am weeks into it.  Then I justify my position and continue with my withdrawal.

Do I like the idea of a good marriage?  Of course I do.  I do.  I like the idea of being connected to someone's heart even though we know so much about each other... even though we have been in the trenches... even though we have wounded... I like the idea that the love we share holds us together despite that sin... those failures... those moments that can destroy.  I like the idea that we almost lost each other... and yet remain.

But I think I have become too comfortable with the "remain."  I have said to myself, "This is o.k.  It is a season.  We don't have to be passionate all the time.  We are o.k.  Even though I am seriously unhappy... it will be o.k.  Just keep smiling and keep trying."  But now, the smiles can't even come.  I am admitting defeat.  I am failing.

I have focused on the list against him.  I have kept records of wrongs.  I am not patient with him.  I am often not kind to him.  I have retaliated.  And I have stopped serving.  I have retreated and now as I look back, I am far from him.  As I look upon his list of sins and shortcomings I have written and hold onto, the very gazing upon it makes my own list grow in length.

There is no more contentment with "remaining."  I think I held onto that out of fear.  I held onto that thinking it would just get better... one day it would just be better.  But we have spoken it now... to each other... we are not alright.  I pray, like AA, that we have just made a step toward recovery.

I am for certain I am in a season of tearing down.  The theme keeps coming up and I keep falling... spiritually, emotionally, and lately... physically!  What is it?  What remains standing that God keeps hammering away at?  What remains on the foundation that has to be chipped away so He can build what He wants without interference?

As I responded to a comment on my last post, I saw the physical picture of it.  It is a wall of wallpaper... painted over... and oozing with glue.  When we moved into this house, we painted over wallpaper because I could not stand the thought of ripping it down again. We have done that in so many past houses. I wanted it done...without the hassle and mess and work. I was tired.  And now, three years later, glue seeps through the paper and paint and runs down those walls in the bathrooms... reminding me that paper is still there... and that I left it. 

I think I have some walls with paper on them in my life. Walls that I may have painted over in hopes of having it done quickly. Walls that I left paper on because I was tired. Walls that looked good for a while but are now dripping with glue... and needing attention.

I have to identify those walls.  I have to find them and do what should have been done in the first place, strip them, sand them, and cover them properly.  I have to spend time in the heart of myself and examine my walls.  And I have to do it with the Master Builder... the One who sees right through paint and right through paper... right to the sticky mess of glue.  He can take me there.  He can show me.  And He alone holds the tools I need to get the job done right.  Or better yet, maybe He shows me where they are... what they are... and then He offers me rest... and He does it for me... the stripping, sanding, and covering... like He could have in the first place, if only I had left the tools in His hands instead of grabbing them in mine.  Hhmmmm.  

That is it.  I tried to do it the first time.  I failed.  I grabbed the tools and I did it.  He is the only One who can do it right.  He has the strength.  He has the "know how."  I have to lay down the tools and abide while He does the work.  But I have to stay with Him.  Eyes and ears on Him.  I have to allow Him to do what He needs to do... and trust Him.

Have you ever painted over wall papered walls? I can leave now that glue has appeared and drips down the surface with each shower.  Or I can stay and face the dirty work.  I have one option in my book, in His book, and that is to stay and face the work.  I know all too well the reward that comes after the hard work is done.  I covet your prayers.  And I thank you so much for your friendship.  

I like the idea of a good marriage.  And after He is done with me... I will have one again.