Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Heart Broken...

I feel like my life has been an emotional roller coaster for at least six years.  I feel my spirit has been tried to the limits for many years.  I have run on little sleep for many years.  I am seeing affects...

We were at St. Simons Island this past weekend and we all shared a hotel room.  The first night we were there, I awoke to the sound of Abby having a seizure.  My heart sank.  It does every, every, every time.  It sinks and cries and hurts so much.  Then I start wondering what caused it.  Was she over tired?  Should I have given her a nap?  Did she have too much dairy?  Did she have too much sugar?  Did she have enough vitamins?  Should I have given her more?  Did she get enough water?  Is it just the fallen world or it it an attack of the enemy?

The second night we were there, she had another one.  My heart sank again, deeper... harder.  And there was anger.  "WHY?" screams from the inner most part of me!  Anger comes to protect me.  Anger comes to try and dull the pain that has eatten at me for years.  Anger comes to try and get something done.. something... something.  Anger comes to give me release of the massive ball of emotions that comes with dealing with Abby's illness.  Anger comes but in truth it does not help.  It only covers.  Or tries to.

What I want to do is scream and kick on the floor like a two year old until there is nothing left in me.  Trying to stay together when all I want to do is fall apart is hard work.  It depletes me.  This whole thing depletes me.

Abby had two more seizures this morning.  My heart sank... deeper... and now I feel numb.  The fears start creeping up as well as the guilt that I am not doing enough for her... trying the right things... fighting for her enough... helping her.  Her behavior has been more than challenging.  It's almost constant.  Last night, she actually came up to me and touched my arm and told me she loved me.  It's been a long time since she has done anything like that.  It was a tender moment from her and I thanked God for it several times.  I WANT THAT ABBY BACK!

There is a spiritual battle that also depletes me.  Do you know how hard it is to keep her before the Lord?  I KNOW He loves her more than I do.  I KNOW she belongs to Him.  I KNOW He is in control.  So WHY won't He heal her?  And what am I supposed to do!  Just watch her deteriorate right before me and do nothing!?  She is slipping away.  This makes me feel anxiety and pain like none other.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. 

Will you pray?  Pray for Abby and pray for me?  I hate to lump myself into prayers with her but I so need them too.  Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. Dawn,don't ever regret needing prayers, we ALL do. What you deal with is more than most people can handle, honey asking for prayers is a way that we CAN help you. We can't heal Abby, even though we wish we could, but we can pray for you, Abby, Don, Marc & Taylor. We CAN pray and please don't ever stop asking. We love you. (Your avid blog reader and cousin :))


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!