Friday, March 18, 2011

Another Deeper Blow...

This picture is from several years ago... three years ago.  Three years.
A lot can happen in three years.  It can seem to go by slowly or it can seem to fly by.

Yesterday was a very tough day for me.  It came with a blow... one that I was completely unprepared for.  We went to get the results of an evaluation Abby had done.  She had the same evaluation done three years ago.  We were going to compare the two evaluations and see where Abby is... developmentally and academically and emotionally.  I thought that she might be close to the same level... maybe a tiny bit higher.  What we found out was that she has declined in almost everything.  I had never considered she could have declined like that.  The information took my breath away and came with a blow that knocked my soul for several loops.  As I sat there and tried to listen to the rest and tried to not have a breakdown in front of this stranger... things were going through my head ninety miles an hour... questions... emotions.

What was going on three years ago?  What has changed?  How could I be so unprepared for news like this?  Was this confirming one of my biggest fears that she is slipping away right before us?  Had I caused any of this?  How much medicine increase has happened in that three years?  Is this causing some of her bad behaviors?  Her frustration?  Can it be reversed and fixed?  What can I do?

I am still trying to process it.  I am grieving and trying to find answers at the same time.  It is not a good time.  My heart is deeply wounded and my soul wants to scream.

I have spent a significant amount of energy trying to live as if everything is normal... like everything is ok.  And it is not.  It is not ok.  And I have to figure out how to live with things not being ok.

I know our children do not belong to us.  I know God loves them more than I ever could.  But I also know that I am responsible for making decisions that affect this little one's life... every aspect of her life.  From what we feed her, what we don't feed her, how much we medicate her, what suppliments we give her, how much rest we insist she gets, and what kind of schooling and social activities... much of her life is based on what we decide for her.  That weighs on me heavily.  Are we doing enough?  Are we doing the right stuff?  Are we looking in the right places?  Are we asking the right people?  Are we making any of this worse?

Please pray... really pray.  We need your prayers.

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