Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Crying out for healing...

"Then Your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And Your righteousness shall go before You; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.  Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.'  Isaiah 58:8,9~

This is one of my favorite scriptures.  It has carried me through storm after storm.  I cling to it with every ounce of strength I have in me.  You see, I know all about praying for healing.  Oh, how deeply I know it, walk it, breath it... live it.  I have been praying for my child's healing for nine years... nine years.  It is the prayer I have prayed most often, most faithfully, and most desperately.

It has taken me to the edges of my very being.  It has caused me to question my faith, my God, and His word.  It has caused me to question His very character... His very heart.

When we adopted Abby, we had no idea anything was "wrong."  Our world came crashing down as her little 2 year old body started seizing in my arms in a hospital waiting room.  We knew something was wrong.  Very wrong.  We had been seeing signs... glimpses... for about a month.  We had just moved to a new state and knew no one... well... actually about 6 people.  We had moved only two months after coming home with her from Kazakhstan.  And the bottom fell out.

As I stood in a waiting room, holding her and trying to sing her to sleep for a CT scan, her arms... that had been resting on my shoulders... started squeezing my neck with strength that is not inside a baby.  Horror came over me for a split second as I thought she was trying to choke me.  Then I heard it, snorting sounds... choking sounds... and as I pulled her away from me, I could see her face twisted and her eyes flickering into the top of her head... her little body rigid and pulsating with strength.  I  managed to move my legs enough to get into the hallway and started screaming for help.  The memory takes my very breath away.

The next few hours were a blur of activity and pain and tears and prayers and moments that seem like a bad dream.  The most horrible moment came when they needed to do a spinal tap.  Time was crucial.  And they took her in, and did a spinal tap with little numbing.  As they described to my husband that they needed him to fold her over like a football while they injected a needle into her spine and that he could not... could not... allow her to move... I thought I was going to throw up, explode, and go crazy.

Our precious daughter who didn't even speak or understand English was about to endure something so far beyond her little ability to understand... and it was going to cause her great pain.  We had only been her parents for a few weeks... she would think we were hurting her... because we were there and we were allowing it.  I have never felt so trapped.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't stay in the room.  I had to leave.  I left and found the nearest wall and slid down to the floor in a heap of brokenness, lonliness, fear, anxiety, anger... helpless.  And I fell apart.  Knowing what was going on inside that room... the weight of guilt for not having the strength to stay with her took me down... down to the floor... down to the deepest parts of my heart where I never even knew I could fall.

I prayed.  And I prayed.  And I prayed.  The scripture that talks about the Holy Spirit stepping in and praying with groans for us when words can't even be spoken... that is where I prayed... in His groans... In His arms.

And something snapped.  Peace, determination, divine strength, faith, and hope flooded me and I went into what I call "handle it mode."  The very Presence of the Lord came to me, filled me, picked me up, and guided me through the rest of that time.  I praise Him for how sweet, loving, faithful, caring, powerful, merciful, and active He is in our lives.  I was driven to His presence like no other time in my life.  I saw, felt, heard, and witnessed His presence like no other time before.

We spent a year and a half looking for answers.  We spent every day in prayer... on our knees before Him, as she slipped further and further away from us.  There is no other time, in my mind, when one has to rely more on the Father for the very ability to breathe and function as when your child is wasting away before your eyes and you... can... not... help... her.  Raw.  It is the rawest I have ever been.  Like walking around with gaping flesh wounds and trying to buy groceries... trying to drive... trying to cook... you are almost sleep walking and can't seem to understand how everyone around you can live so normally.  It is another place.  Almost another world.

Over the next five days we are going to pray for healing... physical healing... emotional healing... spiritual healing.  And we are going to go before the King with our prayer requests for ourselves and for others.  We are going to seek and find Him in the midst of healing.  And we are going to praise Him.

Oh Father... sweet, loving Father, we come to You today and we pray for Your healing.  We pray for Your wisdom and Your strength and Your very guidance as we walk through the next 5 days.  We pray You bring to our minds areas in our hearts, our souls, our spirits, and our lives where we need healing.  Take us there Lord.  Take our hand, let us feel Your hand in ours, and lead us there.  We pray You bring to mind others we can pray for who need healing... emotional, spiritual, and physical.  We praise You.  We praise You that you are our Father and You are the Healer Lord.  I praise You that You hear and hold each and every one of our prayers.  And I praise You for being faithful, loving, patient, merciful, mighty, trustworthy, and good!  Thank you.  Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for Jesus.  Thank You for Your Word.  Thank You for Your love.  Thank You for the Holy Spirit and the active power that is present in and with us today.  In Your precious, holy, and worthy Son's name... Amen.  
Here we go girls.  I promise... it is going to be good.

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though it's waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling.  There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.  God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn."  Psalm 46:1-5~



  1. I know it's a club you don't want to belong to. :( I'm so sorry. May Jesus bring healing.

    1. Praying for you and your Julia. May you see God everywhere... and back at ya... may Jesus bring healing!

  2. Anonymous9:18 PM

    I have to be honest, I cringed, cringed, cringed reading this one... this is the hard stuff. this is where we know we should open our hands to the "bad" that He gives and say "ok and thank you". Sooo hard to do, impossible at times. So painful. So eternally purposeful. So thankful He offers us healing and draws us intimately close. Whew...


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!