Truth, Knowledge, and Freedom
Wow, this is my 700th post. That amazes me. I love going back and looking at my earlier posts. I can forget so much. Abby was so small. The future was and remains so unknown.
I love to go back and see God's hand all over my life. Almost two years ago, I was crying out to God over adoption. Hawks are a way He shows Himself to me. OFTEN, I am in nature and I ask to see Him and He gives me a hawk... in the most random of places. I can now look back to the day at the lake where as I cried out to him about adoption woes, He sent a hawk crying out over my head. As I cried at how precious He was to not only show me... but answer my cry with a cry... the second hawk flew over my head and landed right by me in a tree... and there were two hawks... crying out to each other... over and over.
And here I am today, with His promise right here in my home, not one more, but two more children.
I love to post sweet pictures of my children. I love to post fun decorating ideas. I love to post funny stories from our very busy and funny life. But I hesitate to share amazing things that God is doing... for fear it may be too much, too deep, too... out there. And that saddens me to my core. I will no longer shy away from that anymore. I can't. God is too active and all over my life right now not to share it. I am almost embarrassed to not share it.
So this post is a very personal and amazing account of what happened to me Tuesday night at a worship I attend at someone's house. Believers from many area churches come here, for more. I crave being there... with them... and in Him.
I had fasted Tuesday and wasn't even sure why. Most of the time when I fast, I have a clear reason for doing so and pray often about it that day. Tuesday I felt I was to fast but had no clear reason. I did it any way and simply told the Lord, I know you are going to show up and I can't wait to see what it is you have for me tonight.
The lesson that night was on iniquity. I learned that iniquity, sin, and transgression are actually three seperate offenses... three seperate degrees or levels if you will. Sin and transgression stem from iniquity in your life.
Iniquity is the roots and the latter two are the leaves of the tree. The definition of sin is missing the mark, failure. Transgression is rebellion. Iniquity is twisted, crooked, warped, evil thoughts in humans that transmit spiritual DNA down through generations... it is the core cause/feeder of sin and transgression. The visual given was that of a black twisted cord full of knots that runs through our spiritual life.
Psalm 51 is written by David. David was called a friend of God. However, David was human. And David sinned. He looked upon another man's wife, committed adultry with her, got her pregnant, and killed her husband to try and hide his sin. Wow. That's some big stuff. As he writes this pslam, crying out to God, he asks: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; according to the multitude of your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions, wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." Psalm 51: 1-3
To see David call out three seperate offenses just blew me away. How many times have I just read right over that? I love it when God reveals more in His word to me... it excites me so much. We studied more scripture and then entered into a time of praise and worship and the Lord brought one word up to me. Its one word that sums up so much of my sin. It was my iniquity. I have prayed about it so many times... even did a Christian self-help study on it... nothing had taken it from me. It has been the thorn in my flesh.
I started sobbing. Anger is at the root of my defensiveness. Anger is at the root of my lashing out. Anger is at the root of my judging. Anger is at the root of my not trusting. Anger had entangled itself all inside me. I always knew it was there and spent much effort in trying to control it... cover it... ignore it... figure it out... be free from it. Anger and trying to keep it down exhausted me.
I knew I was supposed to go forward and pray to be released from this iniquity. I had asked to be prayed over about it the last time I was there. And yet, had felt nothing change. I went up to the woman who prayed for me before. I told her that God has shown me that anger was one of my iniquities. I told her that I had prayed about it many times and had people pray over me about it... and yet it remained. I told her I didn't know where it stemmed from... when it had taken hold of me... but I wanted to be free from it.
She held me... waited... and then asked me, "Who in your family is anger?" And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw her face. I started sobbing again as I told her who this person was. Then I told her how this person was angry when my parent's divorced. How she blamed my mother. How she despised me because I "looked and acted like my mother" and had actually spat in my face in the midst of her fury. This person had caused me so so much pain. It was overwhelming. She asked me to repent for this person's anger. With just the suggestion, I could feel compassion and pain and forgiveness rising up in me at once. Through my sobbing and tears, I begged the Lord to forgive the anger of this person. She then asked me to repent of the anger that had been cursed and thrown upon me and that I had received. As I repented, I felt so much pain and darkness leave me that I wanted to fall into a tiny heap on the floor.
She then prayed over me for things that were so personal. She asked for me to be freed of the guilt and rejection I feel of looking like my mother. I sobbed from deep within. How did she know that? As a child, and now, I think my mother is beautiful. Yet when someone tells me that I look like her or act like her... it has felt like sand paper rubbing me. I have not fully understood this until then. I could see the face of this person spewing to me that I looked like my mother in disgust and it vanished from me. I was free. I am now free to look like my mother and be strong and funny and creative and loving like she is and fully embrace it.
She then asked for the feeling of a trapped child to leave me along with the transgression of rebellion. I was blown away. Trapped sums up the entire feeling of my childhood. And she named it. And she casted it from me in Jesus' Holy name and authority, and it left. I no longer feel trapped. It's hard to explain. But that feeling followed me into my marriage and is smeared over various parts of my life. And it's gone.
She prayed for this person's anger with God over what had happened in my family. Then she asked me to repent of my anger towards God. And I did. She prayed God's truths over me and prayed for God's love and light and compassion to fill the spaces. Then she prayed for God to nurture me, as I was not nurtured as a child.
I am so blown away by God's mighty hand, His mighty power, how alive He and His Spirit are, and how He shows Himself to me more and more and more and draws me closer and closer and closer into Him. His love for me, to care for me so much, to want me to know this and grow in Him and be blessed by Him in such transforming manner, just blows me away... over and over and over again.
I have true hunger and thirst for Him like I have never known in my life. I want to be with Him all the time. I can't concentrate on much else. I am forever being changed. His Spirit is blowing me away. I can't get enough.
I am not sure why God led me to post this. I do know it is for His glory. Someone who reads this will be moved by Him. And for that, I do it. And because He is so much more than many of us have known Him to be... Oh I pray that one person is moved to truly KNOW Him!
I love you so much. Have a blessed weekend.