Sunday, September 23, 2012
It is already almost totally the end of September?????
I am amazed, almost daily, at how quickly life seems to be racing by me. Sometimes I am thrilled to see the arrival of the end of a day and even a week... but woe... the year is almost done.
I hate it seems harder and harder for me to get time to blog. There is simply not enough time in my day. And there is so much going on and racing by... I can not even believe how long it has been since my last post.
As the season of Fall gets closer... and seems to be here... kind of, I feel a shift in the season of my life as well. It's weird when it happens... or I should say... when you realize it is happening. I have been going full throttle for years. And now, I am throttling back. I am entering into a season of rest and Self.
Self. Yep. There is no "ish" on the end of that... but a capital "S" on "Self." At first, I wrestled with it. It seemed like the "ish" kept trying to claim she was there but she isn't. And I am now embracing it... with some excitement and hope and also with some caution.
I know the Lord has some things for Me. Healing. Insight. Rest. Renewal. Growth. Freedom. Joy.
I have been battling for years and I am simply depleted. The daily walk with Abby has taken it's toll and I am officially (well have been for a year now but REALLY now) spent. The push/pull battles have stolen so much of who I am and that is not good for anyone. Not for her. Not for me. Not for my husband. And not for our other children. It has been such a ongoing yo-yo/roller coaster/cycle. Become depleted... try and refill, look for help, no help found, pull up the boots, go for another round, feel hope for a few days/moments, become depleted, cry out for help, look for help, help doesn't work, put the big girl panties on, and go for another round... become depleted, feel like a loser, stew in anger and guilt, think about giving up, reality hits you in the face like a big mud pie, find new big girl panties, don't even bother looking for help, and try again. All the while I am trying to save the world and CARRY ON. And also not getting sleep as I am listening to the monitor for seizures all night.
AND the MAJOR SPIRITUAL BATTLE that rages on... "If you were praying enough/the right way/she would get better... fast more... I can't earn anything, it's all up to God... storm the gates and throne and boldly plead your case... get on your face in humility and beg like the broken mother you are... rebuke it, love it, separate from it, spend more time with her, spend more time with Him, spend more time alone... yada yada yada yada. On and on and on and on. Over and over and over and over.
So. I am in a season of "Self." I am getting back to some basic truths... take care of myself first so I then can take care of others... well. In my attempt to keep myself last, I am falling apart... physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
In addition to working out, starting a women's prayer group, and pulling back from overflowing commitments... I am seeking some major healing and renewal. Don and I are going to be headed to a place where we can get some serious teaching, time, focus, prayer, and hopefully deliverance. It will be for 5 days. I am very hopeful.
I am also looking forward to some nesting/refreshing! After seeing this on Pinterest today:
I said earlier that I am walking through this "Self" time with some caution. There is a quote from Tom Davis, founder of Children's Hope Chest, that has become an anthem of my life. He said, "We (Christians) live our lives like we are on vacation when we should be living like we are at war." So so so true. We are at war. Daily. So my caution comes from knowing that this season is temporary and it is to benefit me, my relationship with the LORD and others, everything I pour myself into... I will be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better servant, a better person IF I take the time to refill. It is a break with purpose. And that gives me hope. And I pray when I come out on the other side, I am better at abiding in HIM so I don't get here again. This is the end of MANY YEARS of wearing down. I need some mending, some soul healing, some releasing, some rebooting!
So do you need a moment away? Away from the "busy-ness" of life? Away from the distractions of life? Away from the demands of life? Slip away. Even if it is to your bedroom behind a locked door for an hour here and there... but slip away when you feel the tug. It is Him... wanting to be with you!
Much love, Dawn