One Beautiful Life

Ballet in a Hurricane

It rained hard yesterday, on my soul that is.

It actually began Wednesday afternoon with a call from the Hospital. They wanted to give us some instructions before we came in on Monday morning. Those instructions were to decrease Abby off a 1000 mg dosage of one of her seizure drugs in a four day period. This kind of "weaning" would usually be done in an 8 week period.

When Don relayed the message to me... it was like someone put my head in a blender and my heart dropped to my feet. The thought of what that kind of drop would do to her body made me sick to my stomach. The thought of how we would be VERY MUCH catapulting her into a "downward spiral" ... as I call it... made me so angry I did think my eyeballs were going to burst. The FIGHT of the mother bear that resides in every mother came rushing to the surface and I literally thought I could kick down a tree... or a house... or a moving train. Then the tears came and my mind was a jumbled mess. Needless to say, in a nutshell, it was horrible.

After talking about it that night and yesterday and several phone calls to the doctor's office, we have decided that this is NOT the time for this testing. It is not in Abby's best interest right now to take such a risk. Every time she slips into a spiral, it takes more drugs to get her out of it which leaves her with more side effects and more damage to her mind and body. With her disease being what it is, there will come a time when the spiral comes and we can't stop it. That will be the time to do the testing.

Then, while we are reeling in this, we find out from the facilitator in CA that we are working with that the facilitator who is working with the birth mother has NOT presented us yet. This is totally contrary to an email she sent me two days before saying we HAD been presented. Was there any reason for this total change of information? No. Was there a reason WHY we had not been presented yet (while it's been sitting there a week!). No. Is there any idea of WHEN we'll be presented? No. At this point, I wanted to crumple onto the floor and throw a full fledged temper tantrum fit with full out screaming and kicking of feet. That thought does make me crack a grin.

So I was hanging by a thread yesterday. I feel I at least have a roll of yarn to hold to today. I was up from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. this morning. I feel horrible.

Yesterday, my precious husband was trying to love me and distract me. We gave a baby bed to someone we didn't know yesterday and it was a beautiful moment as she handed me three glasses to thank me... and they were the glasses we use. They are so full of thankfulness, they are asking to come back to make a meal for us. Precious.

But Don was trying to cheer me up a bit and told me something a friend had told him. This friend had just visited someone in the hospital who had told him that instead of being upset with the storm in his life, he felt like God wanted him to learn to dance in the rain. SO that's when it hit me, God is trying to teach me to be a ballerina in a hurricane. Note to self: Must get some ballet slippers.