Two of the four situations are not going to work for our family. It is very sad, to know their stories. It is heart breaking. But we feel the situations offer too much risk of threat to our family. It is very hard to decide that.

So I am making a prayer book for these children. And I ask you to pray for them as well. "K" in Missouri needs healing, hope, and a childless family to rescue her and place her at the foot of the cross. "D" in North Carolina needs the very same prayer.

The situation in California is silent. My heart tells me it will disappear soon.

The situation in Texas will be a long one to wait for. I received a phone call at 9 p.m. Wed. night. The caseworker informed me that over 100 home studies were received for "A" and that it would take them along time to go through them. If we are considered a possibilty, we'll be contacted at some time in the future.

I get to spend the entire day with my loving husband tomorrow while Abby spends the day with sweet friends. I am ready.

Four

Four nights without a seizure for Abby.

Four children we have applied to adopt.

Four things I am going to make today.

Four prayers I am going to offer.

Then HE found me

I went for a walk this morning... in a light drizzle. I had hit an emotional wall. I was feeling very badly. As I walked, I found I could not even pray. And then I realized that I felt I could not trust God... that I could not trust Him with wanting something good for me. If you think, in a moment, that you can't trust God, then how can you pray to Him?

I started thinking back from my childhood through many occasions into adulthood when I have felt that something good and "normal" just can't happen for me. Yes, it was a private pity party.
And as I walked, I said, to my God with whom I was rebelling against, that I did not even want to see a hawk today. Then I said to myself, " I will not even look." On one occasion, by the lake, I thought I heard one... the sound so fresh in my mind from just the other day. But I would not look.

As Dusty and I walked, I cried and in some spots even sobbed, so thankful for the drizzle that kept the trails free of most people. Then, just five minutes from home, my God, with whom I was pouting and being quite ugly with, spoke to me... through a stranger.

I saw this couple approaching. As we came up upon each other, the man looked at me and said, "Look up in the tree at the hawk." And they kept walking. I offered a weak smile and choked out a thank you and kept walking. I could not believe it. There were hundreds of trees along the trail. I glanced around for a moment and then thought, "I am never going to see him." Then, he swooped down over my head and landed five feet from me on a swaying tree branch... and I stood there and cried again. "You are beautiful," I said to him, and he turned around to face me.
I wanted so badly for him to land right on my arm. My mind was swirling with so many emotions.

"Even though you won't look for me, I am still here." "Even though you feel you can not trust me, you can." "Even though things have been and are difficult, I am still your Father and I am still good and I still love you." "And even though you told me you didn't want to see me today, I love you enough and came anyway."

After a few minutes, he flew away and I came home, still a wreck.

Then Don was called away on a trip and I went to get a movie for movie night. "Then She Found Me", directed by and acted in by Helen Hunt, caught my eye. But I already had another one in hand. I decided to get it another time. Then when I checked out, the guy told me I had a free movie coupon I could use but it had to be this week. I asked him if I could use it right then, he said yes, I went and got the movie and just finished watching it.

The movie is a raw life movie dealing with many issues with many characters. It was very moving and emotional and touched me in several ways. Then, Helen's character gets to this critical point and she won't pray. Her mother is asking her why she won't pray and she won't answer. Then she breaks and says that she had had faith and had thought God was good... but He had allowed something that had broken her heart. She comes to realize that she feels betrayed by God. I about fell off the sofa.

Without ruining the movie for anyone who decides to watch it, the ending was a blessing that caused me, yes, to cry again. I had to watch it twice... just for the moment. The gift she wanted was not given, but she was given a gift she didn't think she wanted... and it was better than she could have ever imagined.

She sums it up by talking about a Jewish saying that says... a child jumped off the stairs into his father's arms and felt love... but when he jumped and his father didn't catch him, he felt life.

I am amazed that God would reach out to me twice today... and I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness and repentance. His love is unfathomable and overflowing. And I am forever in love with Him... and hawks.

Waiting

Your room is waiting.

Your parents are waiting.

Your sister is waiting.

Prayers are waiting.

Unanswered phone calls are waiting.

Unanswered emails are waiting.

Paperwork is waiting.

Weary and eager hearts are waiting.

Clothes are waiting.

Toys are waiting.

Memories are waiting.

Possibilities are waiting.

Love is waiting.

A family is waiting.

We are waiting for you.

Ballet in a Hurricane

It rained hard yesterday, on my soul that is.

It actually began Wednesday afternoon with a call from the Hospital. They wanted to give us some instructions before we came in on Monday morning. Those instructions were to decrease Abby off a 1000 mg dosage of one of her seizure drugs in a four day period. This kind of "weaning" would usually be done in an 8 week period.

When Don relayed the message to me... it was like someone put my head in a blender and my heart dropped to my feet. The thought of what that kind of drop would do to her body made me sick to my stomach. The thought of how we would be VERY MUCH catapulting her into a "downward spiral" ... as I call it... made me so angry I did think my eyeballs were going to burst. The FIGHT of the mother bear that resides in every mother came rushing to the surface and I literally thought I could kick down a tree... or a house... or a moving train. Then the tears came and my mind was a jumbled mess. Needless to say, in a nutshell, it was horrible.

After talking about it that night and yesterday and several phone calls to the doctor's office, we have decided that this is NOT the time for this testing. It is not in Abby's best interest right now to take such a risk. Every time she slips into a spiral, it takes more drugs to get her out of it which leaves her with more side effects and more damage to her mind and body. With her disease being what it is, there will come a time when the spiral comes and we can't stop it. That will be the time to do the testing.

Then, while we are reeling in this, we find out from the facilitator in CA that we are working with that the facilitator who is working with the birth mother has NOT presented us yet. This is totally contrary to an email she sent me two days before saying we HAD been presented. Was there any reason for this total change of information? No. Was there a reason WHY we had not been presented yet (while it's been sitting there a week!). No. Is there any idea of WHEN we'll be presented? No. At this point, I wanted to crumple onto the floor and throw a full fledged temper tantrum fit with full out screaming and kicking of feet. That thought does make me crack a grin.

So I was hanging by a thread yesterday. I feel I at least have a roll of yarn to hold to today. I was up from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. this morning. I feel horrible.

Yesterday, my precious husband was trying to love me and distract me. We gave a baby bed to someone we didn't know yesterday and it was a beautiful moment as she handed me three glasses to thank me... and they were the glasses we use. They are so full of thankfulness, they are asking to come back to make a meal for us. Precious.

But Don was trying to cheer me up a bit and told me something a friend had told him. This friend had just visited someone in the hospital who had told him that instead of being upset with the storm in his life, he felt like God wanted him to learn to dance in the rain. SO that's when it hit me, God is trying to teach me to be a ballerina in a hurricane. Note to self: Must get some ballet slippers.

12 Day Detox Update

Sorry to have left you hangin on this one... life got... well... you know. My fasting day was last Tuesday and it was amazing. I spent the morning at the spa for some much needed pampering and didn't really starting wanting food until 3 p.m.! I was dying for a pear but refrained. I am done with the detox and lost 4 pounds, and a half inch in my waist and thighs. Nothing was lost in the hips but hey, I swing a mean hoola hoop! I have given up caffeine for good and have cut back about 85% on my sugar and am still craving my good greens every day! Overall it was great and I will do it again in three months.

Cynthia is in the Air Force

My sister, Cynthia, was sworn into the Air Force yesterday and tearfully got on a bus that took her to an airplane that took her to San Antonio for 8 weeks of basic training. Needless to say, she is very nervous about the unknown. My heart is hurting for her right now as she is thrown into a world of unknown with lots of yelling and girls!

BUT... I am hopeful for her as well. Hopefully, this is what she needs to be able to see who she really is and all the potential she has inside. My immediate prayer is that she will bond with one of the other girls and have someone to share this with as she is allowed to make one 15 second phone call on Saturday to give my parents her address. She will be very lonely. My prayer is also that she will be drawn to lean on the Lord during this time and find her way to Him again... as He is waiting for her patiently with loving arms. Good Luck Cynthia! I am so proud of your courage and I love you crazy.

UPDATE

Our "stuff", aka profile booklet, has been sent to the mother in California. Back on our knees as we wait.

I can't even really title this little blurb. I am writing not because I have new news, but because I have to go somewhere and say something! I am about to burst a vein with the effort it takes to remain controlled when you are bursting at the seams on the inside. Let me tell you... it takes a lot of work. To know something so important is just right around the corner and it may work out for you and it may not and the answer will come... could be in ten minutes, could be in ten days. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh is an understatement.

So for now, I use much effort to not dwell on it. For now, I remain focused on Abby's hospital visit that starts Monday (if we aren't called to get our new daughter).

So on that note, I ask for prayers for Abby. I have a bag full of activites that are new and will take many movies, games, and treats... but there are still prayers to be prayed.

I LOVE to request specific prayer requests and so I leave you with the following:

1.) Pray that she has no fear and the courage that resides in her will cover any fears that arise while we are there. 2.) Pray they are able to quickly get a vein when they attempt to put in the IV... pray her veins are prepared and it is gotten on the first attempt. 3.) Pray she is protected as she is put under for the MRI on Monday. 4.) Pray that is there is anything to be seen, that God will highlight it and make it visible and open the eyes of the dcotors to notice and see it. 5.)Pray she is able to get hooked up to the EEG on Monday afternoon. 6.) Pray she has a seizure on Tuesday or Wednesday. I KNOW that seems crazy. But there are two tests that need a seizure to be done. We'll have to WAIT as many days as it takes to get a seizure. I don't want to be there any longer than possible. 7.) Pray the nurses are kind and loving towards her. 8.) Pray that we both will get the rest we need there at night (very busy and loud time for hospitals sometimes) 9.) Pray if we are not called to CA before Monday, that we will not be called to come until Abby is out of the hospital.

10.) Pray for God's presence and mercy and knowledge to cover everything in between!

THANK YOU a million times as always. Thank you for emailing your prayers to me. Thank you for calling me and praying with me over the phone. Thank you for posting your name and letting me know you are in prayer. You have no idea how encouraging that it to me and my family and how it gives me strength and hope.

Quick Update Before the Weekend.

Abby had a seizure this morning at the bewitching 5:30 a.m. hour. Now I am in a new sort of panic... like I needed a new one! We are going to be presented to the birth mother in California anytime. If she chooses us... it could be next week... or the next. Then we'll have to be in California for a week to 10 days for all the paperwork to be completed. Abby is supposed to be going into the hospital on Jan. 26 for days of testing. Hmmm... see the problem.

Before her seizure this morning it had been five days since she had one... before that it was two weeks... so switch it around and you have two weeks without one, then five days, then three... see the trend?

So I am feeling very anxious today that we are only going to have a couple nights again before she has another one. We are going to call her neurologist today and talk with him. We can postpone her hospital visit if we are in CA... the timing is just really hairy.

So, please add to your prayers control of Abby's seizures and a settling of my spirit. I do know that God does not give us more than we can handle AND that His timing is perfect. Pray I can hold to that during the next week. THANK YOU. AND THANK YOU for your comments to pray. It encourages me to see my friends support in prayers. Love to you all.

Post note: In school time this morning, I was doing an exercise with Abby that is also a brain therapy exercise. I use UNO cards and flip them out for her to identify the number or color as fast as she can. You alternate every so cards whether you want the color or number... this helps her with her processing. Sadly, oh so sadly, this morning she could not do her colors. The seizure this morning was longer than usual and my precious baby has forgotten her colors. Her frustration, as she stared at a blue 7, was heart wrenching... "How do you do this mommy?" "Just tell me the color honey." Pause... pause... lies her head down on the back of the sofa and sadly whispers... "I can't."

Please pray for her mental healing from this seizure and that my anger towards these horrible thiefs will calm. I seriously need a kicking bag in the garage.

The Number Two!

Oh, I can hardly type without stumbling all over the keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!! My two hawks are such a gift from God I could just squeeze Him to pieces! Last night, we learned that there is another "situation" in California. "Situation" means there is a child needing a new home and family. So we have been filling out paperwork and contracts and agreements and taking pictures and replying to emails and faxing documents since last night. We could be presented to the birth mother as early as today!!!!!!!

So we are currently being considered in... two adoption situations! One in Texas, a five year old girl, and one in California, also a five year old girl. Your prayers are so needed right now... this very moment... stop and pray!

I'd like to specific because there is so much to cover and if you'll pray... I'd love to give you some stuff to work with!

1.) Pray for the two birth mother's. Pray for peace, guidance, wisdom, comfort, strength, courage, and healing.
2.) Pray God will shower His presence down upon these girl's right now and prepare their hearts in a way only He can. Pray he plants a seed of security in the depths of their spirit. Pray he fills them with courage to walk through such a huge change and to be open to our love and to see Him in our hearts. Pray for their heart's healing.
3.) Pray for the one's involved in the decision process.
4.) Pray for Abby. Pray she will be able to share us with another child and remain secure in her place here and our love for her. Pray she is able to understand the grieving process this new one will have and be able to give her space when needed and connect with her heart.
5.) Please pray for us. Pray that we will be guided by God's will and have strength for what may lie ahead. Please also pray that if neither of these situations happen for us that we can still rejoice in our Father and continue to trust in His plan and timing.

THANK YOU. I am so blessed to have so many precious friends with hearts for our Lord. To know you will pray on our behalf brings a smile to my soul. THANK YOU. I will keep you posted!!!

Fasting, Praying, Praising (and hawks!)

Today is day eight of my detox and I have fasted since 8 p.m. last night. It's about 7 p.m. now and I am feeling so tempted to just go have a pear! But I will not! Nope, nope, nope.

I wanted my detox fasting day to be more than just not having food. My day started with the morning at the spa and it was OH SO NEEDED and enjoyed and appreciated. I have less pain in my back right now than I have had in a month!

After my morning of luxury, I went to the bookstore during the lunch hour. I looked through all kinds of magazines and just lounged. Oh so pleasant and fun. After a brief stop at Wal-Mart, I came home and enjoyed and hour and a half out walking with my little Roonies (Dusty).

As we stopped by the lake for some sunshine and thought and prayer... I was asking God, literally, "Please let me hear from you... I need to hear from you." I had been praying all along the walk about various subjects we are struggling with right now. I wanted just one answer.
Within less than a minute of asking that, a very loud squawking started behind. As it came closer and continued, I thought... hoped... it was a hawk. If you have been reading my blog... or know me... hawks are little love moments between me and my amazing maker and creator of the universe. As I turned around, this majestic squawking hawk was soaring right towards me. As my eyes teared up and a little girl smile erupted across my face... he took perch on a tree just 20 feet from me. To HEAR the hawk and not just see it was so perfectly and audaciously God! As I was basking in my Lord's gift, it started to squawk again. "I hear you Lord... don't know what you are saying... but I hear and see you... you are here." Just then, another squawking began and to my overflowing delight, another hawk soared in just a few trees over from the first. Then we all three (four counting Dusty) sat there for about ten minutes as I praised my maker.

I still don't know what the 2 hawks mean... but I know what I felt. God is here... here with me. Even when I can't discern what He is telling me... He is speaking and He is present. I will find courage and strength in that and I will continue to look and listen for Him.

* Thank you to my precious husband who taught Abby school today and has given me the entire day off from parenting. What a treat.

"Fabulous Fun Day" sprinkled with some "Grace"!

My dear friend Karen emailed me last night to offer some home schooling encouragement, (thank you precious one) and the timing was perfect. Abby has just been not with it this week and it has been very difficult, trying, exhausting, discouraging, and frustrating. "Maybe it's time for a break, a fun day, a field trip or something," she suggested. The moment I read it I answered, "Thank you Karen and Holy Spirit."

So I thought about taking her to the Children's Discovery Museum in Atlanta for a little field trip. I decided to wait and see what the morning brought.

Well, the morning was one of our typical mornings where there is no sunshine in my little sunshine. Within five minutes of being awake I wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide all day! "I can't reward this behavior with a field trip," I thought to myself. Especially since it's been ALL WEEK LONG. So after she was sent to her room, I laid there and tried talking to God about it... it's in the other book I am reading and HIGHLY recommend, "Walking with God," by John Eldridge.

"OK God, what do you want me to do with Abby today?" I waited and my own thoughts starting swirling in my head... school her, play with her, keep her in her room half the day... so I asked again and waited. Amidst my own thoughts, "Connect with her" popped in... from nowhere... well, not nowhere, that's the beauty of the Holy Spirit. "Ok... connect with her, heard that loud and clear. How do you want me to connect with her?" "Play and fun." I laid there in bed with the biggest grin on my face... it is so delightful to hear from God... I can and hope to get addicted to this!

So I continued to pray for patience and time management and we had a fun day. It started with breakfast of course but then, before I even finished cleaning the kitchen, we went and sat in the sun (in the sun room... ha) and played several rounds of Memory. As I sat and thought about what I wanted to do with her, play games, play dough, read books, and be outside together, I incorporated "schooling" into it and was thrilled it was still going to be a "school day".

So Abby beat me in two games of Memory and in the third game we tied (I caught Dusty trying to cheat and give Abby cards... he was not happy to be busted!) It was a fun day (especially the butterfly sandwich daddy made for her) but had it's moments... one particular one in the car where she actually stuck her tongue out at me... mercy! I was scolding her for talking disrespectfully (for the 100th time this week) and she stuck her tongue out at me.

OOHHHH, girl... what did you just do!? Now see, I was facing forward when she did this to the back of my head! She was very startled that my mommy eyes saw her do this in the reflection of the windshield (very funny in itself). So I scolded her some more and when we got to Target (my favorite store) she was very rude and continued to be ugly. So I explained to her that her heart was not in it's proper place and that she could spend half and hour in her room when we got home and be alone. She is allowed to be ugly all she wants, in her room alone. But she can not be intensely ugly with the family or friends. We try and talk to her about her heart and what motivates her to behave so. SADLY, some of it (don't have the %) is from the stinkin Topamax she is on but she can't be a disgruntled person her whole life because of a drug.

Anyway, ramble... sorry, we talked about it some more in Target and I could see in her eyes that she was getting what I was saying. Her apology was sincere and her heart was touched (goal achieved). She had reached for my hand several times in the store. So we were walking out of the store hand in hand when I heard, "show her grace". I smiled and agreed. Grace is a beautiful gift we are given and we do not deserve. I have explained grace to her several times and extended it in such circumstances. So I started the "grace talk" again.

Mommy: Abby, I am going to show you grace today honey.

Abby: silence

Mommy: You know you deserve to spend time alone for being so ugly to me, that is your consequence for making a bad choice right?

Abby: yes.

Mommy: Well, would you like to be given grace today and not have to go to your room, even though you made some bad decisions?

Abby: yes, mommy.

Mommy: Well, God gives me grace everyday honey, because I make bad decisions too. So I am going to extend grace to you.

Abby: little smile and head nod.

It wasn't a perfect day... but it was a beautiful day... in many ways!

12 Day Detox- Day 4

The healing crisis has hit today. Mary Jane warned me. You only give your body the good stuff and the bad stuff starts cuttin loose! About 4 p.m. today, I felt like I had been hit in the head with a skillet... or hit by a truck. I suddenly became weak and could feel my heart beating in every part of my body. I went a lied down on the couch and my toes, legs, arms, HEAD, and ears were bumpin to my heart beat. In that moment, everything in me was crying out for a piece of bread, chips, coffee, something bad! BUT I did not give in!!

So I am going to bed early tonight and HOPEFULLY will catch up on some much needed sleep. I plan on going to bed at 9 p.m. so if you hear a big scream around midnight... say a prayer for me!

Today's menu was great again. I need to note that I "planned" on having some turkey slices today BUT had some left over grilled chicken breast in the fridge and decided to use it and share it with my man... who was home half the day. You don't have to eat chicken every day... this salad just rocks!

Breakfast: dairy, wheat and gluten free blueberry waffle with half an orange. Water with lime.

Lunch: shredded Chinese cabbage with shredded chicken, carrots, red onion,

cucumber, cilantro, garlic, crushed almonds, salt, pepper, lime and olive oil!

MARVELOUS!!!!! (My man had seconds.)

Water with lime. I also planned on us having

black eyed peas with scallions but ruined them on the stove.

Oh well... can't do everything well now can we?

Snack: none again today. Actually I ate a celery stalk with peanut butter

while I made lunch and so that could count.

Dinner: herb encrusted baked salmon with garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice, (mmmmmmm)

served with sour kraut stuffed tomatoes, (pow... yummy like madness),

with very berry flax seed muffins and pear slices. Abby chowed again!

I've got two more glasses of water to go and I am off to bed. See ya tomorrow!

12 Day Detox- Day 3

I am writing early today. My handsome hard working man returns home today and I want to share all my time with him later! It was after 1:30 a.m. until I went to sleep again last night... mercy... this needs to end.

I feel great today. Schooling is going very badly this week... I think it's the worst week we have had. She has never been "off" for three days in a row and it is exhausting and discouraging.

This morning went something like this... (all the while spinning in her chair and standing up and walking away from the table)

Mommy: We are going to talk about the seasons today. Do you know what the seasons are?

Abby: No

Mommy: The seasons are the four different times of year. (showing her the book)

The seasons are Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. What season are we in now?

Abby: I don't know.

Mommy: explains seasons with photos... so which season are we in now?

Abby: Spring...?

Mommy: No... is it hot or cold outside?

Abby: Hot.

Mommy: Do you think it is hot outside right now?

Abby: Yes. (with confident head nod)

Mommy: Yesterday, you wore two shirts, a heavy jacket and a hat. Do we wear those things when it is hot outside?

Abby: Yes.

Mommy: Honey... do you know what hot and cold are? Do you know that ice is cold and this heater (in the school room and was great visual) is hot?

Abby: Yes.

Mommy: Alright... let's talk about it some more and cut out a snow flake.

So there is ten minutes of school today. Yesterday she could not write half her numbers (that she has been writing for weeks) and was also VERY frustrated and unreceptive. She had a seizure two mornings ago and I am guessing that HAS to be part of it. It really makes me sad though. It is making me question my ability to teach her and I know that is a spiritual attack. It is making me want to bang my head into the table and I know that is an exhaustion attack. So anyway... tomorrow is a new day and we will try again.

On to the detox. Here is the menu for today. (Erin, you could just use this one to make it easy if you can wait that long!)

Breakfast: Very berry muffin with a pear. Water with lime.

*I have to confess these muffins are not the best muffins in the world...

nor are they second best or third best. Part of the reason why, I am

sure, is that there is no sugar in the recipe and I opted to leave

out the recommended Stevia. (need to research that more.)

BUT, I cut the muffin into pieces and ate it with the pear (very sweet)

at the same time and it was much better!

Lunch: Crazy Good! Used left over chicken from last night and

made a scrumptious chicken salad on a bed of organic mixed

baby greens with Chinese cabbage mixed in. I topped it with

scallions, hard boiled egg, grape tomatoes, and cucumber.

The dressing was made with olive oil, apple cider vinegar and lime!

Snack: Foresee no snack today but was going to have half an orange.

You could also have celery sticks with hummus!

Dinner: Succulent Spiced Sea Scallops with steamed broccoli and

cauliflower and apple slices. Scallops are added to hot vegetable broth

and then tossed in turmeric, cumin, garlic, and sea salt when done. (I am

leaving out the fennel because I have none.)

Broccoli and Cauliflower will be tossed in olive oil and

21 seasoning salute from Trader Joe's.

Abby Update

We praise the Lord we hit 14 nights without seizures. Tuesday morning, (5:30 a.m.) Abby had one and so we started the count over. She did not have one last night and so we are hoping for number 2 tonight!

As of now, we are scheduled to go into the hospital with her on Jan. 26th for 3 to 5 days of testing. However, if we are having long spans of time with no seizures, then we can't go in the hospital for seizure monitoring and other such tests. We WANT long spans of time without them. Two seizures a month is far better than four to five a week! Of course seizure free for months again would be nirvana.

So we are in prayer and waiting to see what the next ten days bring to decide whether or not this hospital stay is right... needed... necessary... or helpful.

In addition, there is another situation we are applying for to adopt a five year old little girl. It is in the early stages and of course many people are responding and applying. We are on our knees. Just as badly as we want another child, we want to be in God's will. We know and trust that He is in control.

I was reading in "Walking with God", by John Eldridge, and was reminded of the story of Elijah praying to God for rain. He had a servant go and check... seven times... as he prayed... seven times... for the rain. He didn't give up after the first, second, third, forth, fifth, or sixth time of request. He was steadfast. He was faithful. He was God honoring. He was patient. He was answered with rain. So I will continue to pray for my rain. And I will wait, try again, wait, try again, and again, and again, and again... and I will keep looking for the Lord's answer as my faith and trust grows in Him.

* This sweet photo was captured by my sweet and talented friend Missy with "Moments by Missy". She's one of my "followers"! You can click on her blog!

12 Day Detox- Day 2

I weighed in today... will not share those results... and measured my waist, thighs and hips... no wonder I don't ever do that such of thing! Anyway, although I won't share my numbers, I will share how much they change after ten more days!

I had insomnia AGAIN last night for the third time in about 5 nights and so I finally got up at midnight and spent an hour in God's word, journaling, and praying. The clock said 1 a.m. on the nose when I went to bed the second time and I am sure I lied there at least another half hour before drifting off. Abby awoke me a bit after 6:30 a.m. and so needless to say, I am exhausted today.

BUT, I managed to do the diet easily today and have more energy than I would have thought. Plus I made these yummy berry flax seed muffins for dessert tonight (and future breakfasts).

I am already getting emails about the detox. Just get the book (mentioned in previous post) and you will be very informed and probably SOLD on detoxing your body as well!

Today's menu was easy and yummy.

Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs with portebella mushrooms and onions,

topped with cilantro with half an orange. Cranberry raspberry juice.

Lunch: 2 celery stalks with peanut butter, carrot stick, almonds, and half an orange.

* I opted for such a light lunch after breakfast was 10 times

bigger than what I usually eat... I was fuller than a

tick after vacation at a kennel!

Dinner: Grilled chicken breast with sea salt, cracked pepper, cilantro (I LOVE cilantro), fresh garlic and olive oil... served with steamed brussels sprouts in orange zest, cinnamon, ginger, ground cloves and olive oil... and fresh mango.

** This dinner was CRAZY good. The cilantro and sea salt on the chicken

popped off the orange zest and ginger on the brussels sprouts and the mango

was the quiet smooth finale to the mouth fiesta!

Snack: too full... didn't have one

Dessert: Very Berry Flax Seed Muffins with blueberries, raspberries,

& blackberries... topped with crushed almonds!

12 Day Detox- Day 1

I am very excited to be starting my New Year off with a full body detox! I have just been blown away from what I have learned about the amount of toxins we take into our bodies from our food (through the lining in cans, plastic bottles, pesticides, hormones, fertilizers, preservatives), makeup (yep... I am now using Almay's natural line and Bert's Bees lip gloss), cleaning products (Clorox has launched a wonderful natural cleaning products line), DRINKING WATER, artificial sweeteners and other such JUNK!

So my very precious and wonderful friend, Mary Jane, has introduced me to a detox she does on a regular basis and I am SOLD! She gave me the book for Christmas, The Fast Track Detox Diet, and I have spent a week preparing myself and my menus.

Today's Menu turned out to be delicious and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Breakfast: Hard boiled egg, wheat and gluten free blueberry waffle (sans the syrup) and fresh strawberries, blueberries and mango sprinkled with flax seed. Cranberry raspberry juice.

Lunch: Grilled Laura's Lean sirloin steak with fresh cracked pepper and sea salt on a bed of Chinese cabbage with scallions, cucumber, red onion, lime juice, apple cider vinegar, sea salt, cracked pepper and olive oil! We had almonds and apple on the side. Mouth erupting it was and Abby inhaled it and had seconds!

Snack: Celery sticks with peanut butter

Dinner: Baked grouper topped with garlic sauteed shrimp with a side of fresh greens salad with pear, cucumber, and crushed almonds. Fabulous!!!!

There are several rules. No Caffeine. I had to give up coffee last week. One of the major preps for me. I did sneak two cups of decaf but am without it fully this next two weeks. No Sugar. Done... hard, but done. No gluten. Since I am already a label reader for Abby and up to par on the badness of gluten... done. No alcohol. Done. No milk and cheese. Oh... will badly miss the cheese! I sprinkle fresh parmesan on everything. But ok... done (for now). No artificial sweeteners. These are VERY VERY bad... already off them... no chlorine for me and my family! (sucralose is a chlorinated sugar derivative... they used to "think" it passed through the body without being absorbed but guess what... ooops, they were wrong! Mercy... stay away from splenda). And drink half of your body weight in ounces of water per day! (for me that is 8 glasses and I did just finish my 7th!)

There is also a food list you have to choose so many things from a day. It's full of wonderful whole and natural foods and is very easy to make a menu from. There are specific foods for colon cleansing and liver healing and eaten in the right balance or combination, your body starts to heal itself (after it goes though a healing crisis). Day 8 will be a day of fasting... very exciting! ha... you actually get to drink this wonderful cranberry juice concoction all day so it can't be that bad!

So we're off and I am super excited about shedding toxins (along with a few pounds) and hoping for a lifestyle change in the way we eat. We already eat pretty well but I want better! See you tomorrow.

** I love this blue glass bottle! We started recycling last year and I was actually about to place this in the recycle bin when I thought it would make a beautiful bud vase in my kitchen! It's a Q-10 vitamin bottle of Abby's!

Bring on the New Year.

New Year's Day arrives like a newborn into the world where hopes and dreams, expectations, and fears are anxiously waiting. What is it about the new year that inspires us to change?

In my opinion (and we know that weighs very little), I think the answer is because it brings new opportunity. Opportunity to be better, opportunity to be more, opportunity to grow, opportunity for something exciting, opportunity for happiness, and opportunity to start fresh are all wonderful things. We greet the New Year with great eagerness, wonder, and hope... waiting and looking for opportunity.

So this year, I too, am greeting the New Year with great hopes... Hopes for Abby's health to be blessed and protected, hopes for my marriage to continue to grow and bloom, hopes for a second child to arrive on the wings of a very tired stork or jetliner, hopes to continue to simplify my life, hopes to take better care of myself, hopes to find joy in the every day moments, hopes to grow closer to God and know Him more.

Our New Year is off to a wonderful start as Abby is now 10 + 1 (11) nights seizure free. Every morning I awake with a bigger sense of joy and thankfulness than the day before as that number continues to grow.

I realized last night, as I was reading "Walking with God", by John Eldridge, that it is a very heavy thing to carry the weight of a very sick child on your shoulders each day. And as hard as I try to keep it before the Lord and off my shoulders, the Mother in me runs back and takes it back so very often. The knowledge alone of knowing that the bottom can fall out any moment has changed who I am as a person. I try to "remain in the day" and "take one day at a time" and I am better at that sometimes than at others. Before that knowledge, I was a lighter person, a more optimistic person, a happier person (not that I was happier before Abby... please do not read into that)... but even now my happiness seems to be waiting for the catch... for the "but".. for the "and now".

The happiness I have now is shadowed by fear. There, I said it, fear. And I know that fear does not come from the Lord. I realized last night that I am bound by fear. Fear of things going wrong, fear of seizures, fear of them gaining momentum and taking her from me, fear of not doing enough, fear of not being enough, fear of doing something wrong... fear of losing Abby. We were so close to losing her in 2004. Standing at the edge has never left me. Each time the seizures start to gain on her, I feel the hole behind the edge grows and deepens. I feel the edge is there in the darkness and we are just dancing around it, able to fall in at any misstepped moment.

And even though I rejoice in what God has done for her, and even though I Praise Him for what He continues to do for her each day, even though I believe in His love AND His sovereignty, I realized last night that I am bound by fear... I have tried to run from it, busy it out of my soul, believe my way around it, deny it even... but it is there and it has gripped me and stolen much from me and my family.

So after such bearing of soul, I sum up to say that it is my resolve this year, this month, this day, this moment to break the stronghold that fear has around me and to be very aware when it is thrown at me or more so whispered into my soul as an attack. And I am going to try and find myself again... my true self... my God reflecting self... my fearless self... and give her back to myself, my family and my friends.