One Beautiful Life

Pondering

Well, if you could get inside my head for one night, you would be afraid... very afraid.  My dreams would totally win an oscar if I could figure out how to get them to film!  Last night was the second night in a row that I have dreamed I was pregnant. (I am not, for the record)  The first night, I dreamed I was told it was a girl and just could not believe that life was growing inside of me.  I was also amazed at how I could "feel" the baby moving since I have never had a pregnancy last longer than a month.  There was a sweet contentment and peace that I felt.  The mind is so amazing.

So last night, I guess, was part two of that dream.  I was pregnant again and walking along a long dirt road, having contractions.  Fly boy and a friend of his drove up and picked me up off the side of the road.  I looked down in the back seat and my stomach was rolling like crazy.  But I didn't feel anything.  Then, in typical fashion of most of my dreams, I was in a large pool of water and was having the baby.  Fly boy was not there anymore, but his friend was.  I was just in amazement that I felt nothing, there was no pain and yet my stomach was going crazy.  Then... yes... are you ready for this... seriously... glad you are sitting down... I gave birth to crib bedding.  Yep.  Seriously.  Saw it happen.  I was there.  A bumper, sheets, and blankets... and plastic pieces that go on the bed.  Yep.  Ahh haaa... and let me tell you... I was not happy about it.  I could not believe that someone would play such a cruel joke on me and I was beyond broken hearted that the whole time I thought it was a baby.  I was in total disbelief... as I should have been... I am sure!  Yeah... and I was very annoyed that that stuff was in there too... seriously, these are the emotions I had in this dream.  And so then I awoke in the middle of that at 5:30 a.m. on the dot as Abby had a seizure.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.

I have dreams like this all the time.  CRAZY dreams that leave me going... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... for the entire day.  So there is a little glimpse into my head at night!  Scared aren't you...?

Abby just had one seizure but it was a hard one.  I am thinking if this doesn't stop, we are going to have to increase the bad medicine again. 

I was talking to my mother yesterday, about Abby having seizures right in the middle of me praying for her.  I was trying to explain some of the emotions I feel.  The biggest emotion I feel in that moment is betrayal.  That emotion was ALL OVER the dream I had last night.  My heart screams, "How can you allow this to happen when I am in the middle of praising and thanking you!?"  And it goes deep.  As I look over my childhood, my college years, and now my adult years, I think I see and feel the emotion of betrayal all over it too.  And then that emotion leads to my other main emotion of hurt.  Then hurt leads to my other big emotion of anger. These are the big three... and they are scattered all over the pages of my life... as I am sure they are in many, many lives.

I don't know why I can't really be free of them.  I want to.  I pray to.  But they are still there.  Even though I know I can't "do" anything to make them go away... I have spent years "trying" and "trying not to".  Abby's disease is the biggest tool the enemy uses against me in this area.   My mom mentioned to me that she read on my blog that I have said we have done everything we can "do"... including trying "not to do" and trusting... which is still "doing"... trusting is a verb... so even when you are trying to be still and trust... you are still doing.

Anyway, here is where the biggest struggle for me lies.  I study scripture for examples of healing and try to apply those principals to my life, to Abby's disease and this battle.  I have prayed with expectation.  I have prayed with cries of humble petitions.  I have prayed in the authority of Jesus and the Holy Spirit who live inside of me.  I have fasted.  I have prayed with thanksgiving.  I have prayed with the realness and rawness of anger and agony.  And still... here we are.  And combined with the fact that I believe God heals today, that leaves me thinking that I must be doing something wrong, not doing something enough, or not believing or trusting enough, not surrendering enough, not fasting enough, not praying enough, not faithful enough... which brings me to the overall cry of my heart... I am not enough.  I can't even surrender enough.

And my mom said something to me that I am pondering.  "Dawn, it could just be what it is... Abby's disease is just Abby's disease."  Now this seems to go against what I believe... that EVERYTHING is a spiritual battle.  But do you know that in that statement... I found rest.  For that moment... right after she said that... I felt an exhale of my soul.  That seems to go against one of my main spiritual beliefs... but yet... if it were just her disease... and it wasn't something that had to be fought... that I didn't have to figure out how to fight against... I could rest.  Really rest.  In my spirit. In my soul.  In my heart.  I am totally crying right now as I type this because I have not had that rest since this started six years ago.  As I have fought, and fought, and fought for her, it has beaten me down, torn apart my heart, caused me such pain in the the way I feel towards God, worn me out to the point of being completey different from who I used to be... simply depleted me.  Can it be just that?  Can it be that simple?  This is what I am pondering today.