HELLO HELLO HELLO!!!!

Oh sweet friends, you have been SOOOOOO patient and I am SOOOOO sorry it's been just a teeeny tad short of one week since my last post!  You can imagine!

OK... first, I have to rant.  As I am signing on to blog, I read the headlines that a female golfer, Michelle Wie, made a mistake in a tournament that cost her $90,000.  Yes... one mistake (resting her club on the ground after a terrible shot) cost her $90,000.  The perspective there is just killing me.  We are trying to raise the extra $15,000 for our third adoption and someone who makes MADDDDDD money playing a sport can lose $90,000 with one rest of the club!  I may get whip lash from shaking my head.  I just want to know, do I sue my parents now or later for not thinking to give me golf lessons as a child!? :0)  TOTAL JOKE... I think sue happy people are disgusting.

OK.  I feel better.  I am not going to have pictures today as downloading and editing them would cost me time I don't have!  Things are going very well.  Our home is a busy little bee hive with LOTS of stuff going on.  After B got here, I had to buy her all sorts of things as she did bring a suitcase but with very little in it!
After three days of dashing here and there and getting Easter shoes, panties, socks, toothbrush, capris, shorts, pants, tops, tennis shoes, school items and things to do... we have been trying to get into a routine.  And all this happened with Don on a five day trip!  Very busy first week.

I am pretty amazed at how well things are going.  I have even less time for myself and now find showering and walking to be my most two prized activities of the day.  B has become good friends with one of the girls next door and it's been really fun to see them getting along and talking about movies they like.  B's language is coming along GREAT and it's fun to see her interacting with other kids.  Last week we went to the park one day and then I took them to the jumping place on another afternoon.  She loved the jumping place!  It's a fun thing that she and Abby can do together too!

She also loves our school time and is doing great.  I went ahead and bought a 4th grade math workbook and she is doing two to three math worksheets a day as well as four grammar sheets.  She has learned the alphabet, vowels, and now we are working on short vowel sounds.  This also doubles as vocabulary and spelling lessons... really cool.  There are pictures in the workbook she doesn't know and then we learn them too!  We are also working on poetry for literature and reading. She reads a small book to me each day and then we also check each page to be sure she understands what she has read!  It just blows me away what a fast learner she is... makes it all very fun and exciting!

As I was looking for things for her to do in her room, I found a large drawing book at Ross the other day.  I also bought her a journal to write her thoughts in and use as a doodle book.  She has been drawing like crazy and is REALLY talented!  This is so cool too as I used to stay in my room and draw for hours when I was young.

I also bought a small boom box so she and Abby could listen to music in their room.  She loves Taylor Swift and so I bought her one of her cd's (as did Ria... thank you! :0) and made them a mixed music cd.  It makes me smile to walk by and hear tunes coming from their room.  Then I peek inside and Abby is coloring and Brenda is putting together a puzzle.  Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

We are trucking away on adoption paperwork!  I've finished four of five online classes needed to complete our homestudy!  I'll finish the last one tomorrow.  We got several things mailed off today, medical exams are tomorrow, the last social worker visit for the homestudy on Wednesday, and more forms filled out and waiting!  The two biggest things are getting the INS approval back in a timely manner.... PLEASE PRAY ABOUT THIS ONE.  When we adopted Abby, it took 6 months!  UGHHHHHHHH... no... HAS to be quicker than that!!!!  And then the other is waiting to hear whether or not Brenda can stay 90 days.  The orphan court has received our formal request and so now we are just waiting.

I have to go make dinner so we can eat and clean it all up before we have our church small group here tonight!  I'll try and get pictures up in a few days.  Love you all so so much.  Thank you for your emails, texts, and phone calls.  AND thank you for your comments and prayers! 

HUGS!!!!

And then there were three...

Oh sweet friends, you have been so patient for the update!  I LOVE the texts, emails, and phone calls of sweet concern and wonder... so precious to me!  So here it is... and here they are... my three children.

B got here on Friday and the poor thing looked like she'd been hit by a plane rather than riding in one!  I asked her if she slept on the plane... on the trip... on the 17+ hour trip... her answer... "NO!"  She played games and watched movies!  Of course she did!  " I LOOOOOVE airplanes," she stated.

The weekend was so wonderful.  Don had a check ride Friday and was on call on Saturday and so the kids and I went up to Dulles and my mom met us at the airport.  We went to a wonderful restaurant and had a great lunch with much laughter.  I love laughing with my mom.  I hate I didn't have the waiter take a picture.  Sad.

After shopping for the woman bringing B back, shopping for comfy and cute shoes, and having an adventure at Starbucks, it was time to go back to the airport to get B.

After waiting an hour and a half for her to get through customs, she was there!  It was so amazing to see her again.  And it is amazing how fast the "mother" feelings flooded me for her.  Like the click of a clock, the snap of a finger, it was all back... amazing.

We headed to grammy and poppy's house, and gave a shower, food, and sleep to the zonked one.  She was almost in a daze.  The next day was amazing... 75 degrees, sunshine, and wonderful family time.  I am going to share more about that later with pictures I need to donwload later.

We came home Saturday night.  Don picked us up and it was so sweet to see how excited B was to see him.  He had worked all day to paint and sand the second bed in the girl's room so it matched.  He also finished making hook boards for their room and painted the back of the dresser (that looked not so great from the outside of the house through the window).  He blessed us all so much.

                                                                      

                                                                        flying home

B was emotional on a couple of occassions and had me a bit concerned.  It was not her "normal" behavior.

So we had our friend who speaks Latvian come over Sunday night so we could talk with her better and try and understand what was going on in her head and heart.  It really came down to being jet lagged.  But we also talked with her about this trip and her being back in Latvia after the first one and were able to talk about a lot of things freely.  We found out a lot about her biological/step family.  We also found out that her friends in Latvia were really pressuring her to stay... causing her some emotional strain and some "wishy washy" answers when she was asked about adoption.  She also told us that yes, firmly and without a doubt yes, she wants to be in our family... she wants us to adopt her. 

Needless to say we are very happy.  With that happiness comes a MOUNTAIN of paperwork that needs to be done to get our dossier ready to go to Latvia.  Seeing the stress caused to her by going back the first time, we are really trying to see if the orphan court will extend her visa from 30 days to 90 days.  We HOPE/PRAY/THINK we might be able to get it ready in three months since some of it is already done.  Then if she had to go back before we go there for our first court appearance (there are three!), it would be a much shorter time without us.  Our perfect option is that it's done by then and we can all three go over together for that first appointment and she won't have to go back alone and deal with all the emotional stress.

And there is also the other factor that there is much money being needed now.  The lawyer alone has charged us a very high amount that we were not expecting just to get Brenda's visa and drive her to the city where she flew out of.  And now that we are moving forward, the agency is also wanting another $2,000.  Just getting her back this time cost almost another 2K.  Here we go!  Our tax credit for Marc's adoption will pay for almost half of Brenda's... so we still need about 15K.

So... here are some very specific prayer requests.  I LOVE your prayers and appreciate you all so very, very, much!

1.) That Brenda's visa will be extended from 30 days to 90 days.

2.) That we can navigate through the paperwork in a timely manner.

3.) That the immigration part will be done faster than "normal".

4.) That God will be with the hands of everyone who works with us during this adoption.

5.) That B will feel loved and grow confident in that love while she is here.

6.) That God will guide us with the finances and provide what we need.

 

Abby is doing very well.  She is thrilled to have B back.  She says, "Look mom, we are like sisters," about twice a day.  It is very sweet.  She is also watching B and following her example.  B took my plate last night after dinner and I said, "Thank you."  Abby hopped up and got daddy's... with a big smile... and she got her "thank you" too!

She has gone 5 nights again without a seizure.  Her school called today and asked us to come and get her.  Her arm was doing funny things and she wasn't very responsive.  Not sure what that was about as she has been fine all day... but we'll keep a watchful eye.  We have started decreasing her banzel.  So please pray that the topamax will hold her and that she can remain without many if any seizures.

Marc continues to grow and mature each day... and get funnier!  I think his funny personality is blooming as his confidence gets stronger.  It's very cool to see it bloom and to see him grow.  He has gotten much better at controlling his emotions.  This makes the days much smoother and less dramatic!  His words are coming along like crazy.  "Doogies" is my favorite... it's "cookies".  "Woo woo" is also pretty cute (movie) as is "Geege!" (George for Curious George).  "Eesh" has evolved to "juice"... that is very cool to see!  We are very encouraged with his development and enjoy him more and more each day... he's becoming a little crack up!

  I love you all so much.  I have more to share and will try to blog again in a day or so!

  

The Girl's Room

The room before...

The inspiration room from Ballard's Designs...

and the room in progress!

I love the room set up this way and am amazed at how well it fits!  Now, it IS IN PROGRESS!

I need to 1.) paint the other bed 2.) paint the frames that the "A" and "B" are going into above the little shelves above the beds 3.) get white bed skirts 4.) Add fabric to bottom of curtains to lengthen them

5.) make more matching throw pillows 6.) get white or pink goose down comforters for the ends of the beds

BUT... I think it is adorable...

and I love the light fixture!  Abby thinks it's great... we'll see about B!

My Morning Part 2

Warning:  You will laugh... and hopefully won't be offended.

Marc has been going "potty" on the potty in the morning for some time now... a couple of months.  It has been easy as he is "regular" with his morning schedule! 

He has been using his little frog potty that can sit anywhere in the house.  I have also been trying to teach him to let me know "before" he goes as he has been letting me know "after" with a well timed "uhh ohh".  And I have been trying to transition him to also being comfortable on the BIG potty with the BIG hole so we can do this in public places as well (normally he gets all freaked by the hole and can't concentrate on the task at hand!). 

So this morning, as he was eatting his grits and pear, a little... well... gust of wind passed through and he said "uhh ohh" and put his spoon down.  Me- "Marc, do you have to go doo doo?"  Marc- "Uhhh huhhhh."  So off to the potty we flew and he was very proud to be on the big potty and holding on all by himself.

 

As usual, we had to go through the "run down" as we have to for most everything we do now.

Marc- (patting the potty--) "Mommy?"

Me- (sitting on the floor with the camera of course) "Yes, this is where mommy goes."

Marc- "Daddy?"

Me- "Yes, this is where daddy goes."

Marc- "Abby?"

Me- "Yes, this is where Abby goes."

Marc- "Dusties?"

Me- "No, Dusty goes outside in the grass."

Marc- "Ohhhhhhhh."

Me- "Yeah, I know."

After ten minutes and such like conversations....

Me- "Marc, where is it?"

Marc- (hands in motion) "eww ya na na da da."

Me- "OK, mommy will give you some privacy."

And I left for a moment.

Ahhh Haa... there it is!

"Marc... you are such a big boy!"

Many smiles, clapping, the reward of flushing, and several waves bye bye!

Now... if you are offended by the lack of privacy of posting these pictures... rest assured there will be no other potty pics in Marc's future!  After my morning vitamin escapades, this is the type of stuff that makes me laugh and balances out my day... sorry... had to share!

My Morning

This morning was kinda typical with Abby being "Abby" and not happy about much.  Actually, she was more sassy than nonagreeable.  Anyway, in hopes to get her to school on time, and after taking 15 minutes to eat half a bowl of grits and some pear slices, she had to take her vitamins in the car. 

As always, there was a horrible line leading to the school.  We get to what should be one minute from the school and TEN minutes later, we get there.  So Abby runs out of the car and gets there on time! As I am pulling away, I notice a little yellow pill on the floor of the car.  It's an AO from her vitamins. I think, "Oh well, she can take it this afternoon."  Then, I notice a second one... a PLUS... very important one.  So I look back and her teacher is walking into the building.  So I pulled into a parking spot and go running across the parking lot (having left Marc and the dog in the car) and catch her in the lobby.  I hand her the VITAMINS and ask her to give them to Abby.  As I am walking back to the car, I hear her precious teacher, whom I totally adore, calling me.  She CAN'T give them to Abby... someone saw me hand them to her and put the kabosh on that.  So she walks out to the car, Marc fears she is the babysitter coming to take him away, and I go running down the hall to give Abby her two lost pills.

After running back across the parking lot to relieve the precious teacher, I get in the car to leave, and the dog has left the passenger seat to reveal TWO MORE VITAMINS... Ambrotose!  So I jump out of the car, run back across the parking lot... and that's all I am going to say about that!

Good morning!

Words for Wednesday

I totally love the new song of my blog, the first one.  The words don't do that much for me... but the music and her voice make me want to stand outside and dance in the rain... or stand on the beach in long gusts of wind.  Anyway... in case you were wondering!

Abby had a seizure this morning.  It was at 4:30 a.m.  I think the time change has thrown it all off!  I was sad.  But not angry.  Then I was so happy I wasn't feeling anger.  It is so nice to have so much less of that nasty little emotion going on inside of me.  We increased the topamax 25 mg this morning and so we'll see what the next week holds.

She got an accelerated reader award at school EARLY this morning.  She was so proud and excited to be on the "tv" for school announcements!  I am so proud of her!

I made plans to get B today.  The flight we were going to come home on Friday night is almost full.  Since B will have just made the trip from Latvia, since I don't want to hang out in an airport all day and not get on the flight and spend the night in a hotel, AND since my family is just an hour away... all the kids are flying up with me Friday morning, my mom is meeting us when we land at 11:20 a.m. and we'll go with her and shop and have lunch in the Leesburg/Reston area.  Then we'll go back to the airport and get B at 4ish and then go back to Winchester.  We'll get to spend all of Saturday with my family!  Then we'll fly home Saturday night on a flight that is wide open.  With all that said, and B just two days away, I am starting to get excited.

Several of you have asked how you can help, if we need help, and what we need.  Now as we have to pay for her to come again, this in indeed more expense than we were originally intending.  As one of our fundraisers, we are selling this coffee made by a friend of ours in Canton.  His company produces it and they used it as a fundraiser to help adopt their son from Latvia (if you look closely, you can see him on the label).

It is a medium bodied coffee and is totally good!   

We are selling it for $10 a bag and all the proceeds go towards the cost of Brenda's second trip.  If you would like to purchase some, comment or leave me an email!

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support.  Your friendship means so much to me.  Each comment lifts my spirit and make me smile... and feel loved.  And a shout out to the PRECIOUS "GOLDEN CREW" at our loving church who sent Abby the cutest card with puppies on it.  She loves it and made us all pick out which puppy we are! 

I'm off to make tomato soup and mozzerella and cilantro grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.  I'll blog the girl's room tomorrow...sorry I ran out of time today!

Want to be inspired?

http://www.tonic.com/article/from-mansion-to-mud-hut-tonics-exclusive-interview-with-jon-pedley/

Back to normal

I am so happy to share that Abby has been seizure free for four mornings now!  I can see a difference in her already...some recovery... having time to heal from the seizures.  And it makes me so very happy. 

We think we are pretty safe to say we are out of the woods for right now!  We had an appointment with her doctor yesterday and came up with a plan.  For now, getting her off the banzel is top priority... well, after keeping her stable, of course.  She is on four medications and that is just way not good!  So we are going to "hang" where we are for another week.  Then we are going to slightly increase the topamax and wait another week.  Then we are going to slowly come down off the banzel and hopefully the keppra, topamax, and clonapin will hold her.  And then we are going to rest there and see how things are going.  That's the "plan" anyway.

For now, it is so nice to get back to normal.  Without her falling over and having seizures in the day, she can play anywhere in the house and outside again.  Her mood is 100% better.  Life is pretty much falling back into place. 

She is really into playing with her "Loving Family" dolls and furniture set.  She is always asking where their house can be and sets up place mats for walls and stuff.  So I was discussing making some walls for her with woods and hinges... painting windows and stuff on them... and Fly Boy offered that I just go buy her the play house.  After finding it at Wal-Mart for $75.00... I did what any creative and thrifty mother would do... I made one!

 

Now it is not hard plastic and doesn't have tiny rooms to try and stand your dolls up in... but hey... I'd live there!  I bought a piece of tri-fold card board for $4.  I cut it in half and glued pictures from a magazine to it... took about 15 minutes... and cost me... yes... $4.  It is not the fanciest house ever... but Abby is THRILLED with it.  She thanked me for it again at breakfast this morning.  

 

It has a gorgeous kitchen and a wonderful comfy living room (I love the ceilings!).

The bathroom is a bit goth BUT she likes the tub... and of course it has the

wonderful screen porch with a lake view for dinning!

The family is very happy there (notice the mommy running bath water for "Brenda"). 

Daddy is making a snack in the kitchen and Abby is hanging out with the new puppies!

And here, after a long time of playing, Abby has put them all to bed on their "book beds".

I think the bedroom furniture set might have to come next!

Marc, on the other hand, is very happy with his favorite birthday toy, his harmonica.

The head accessory was off the birthday gift from grammy and poppy. 

It was also a hit, the bow, on the head, all afternoon.

He is very good at it... learned how to play very quickly.

We may have to put on a spring concert... who knows? 

If so, he'll totally be wearing the bow!

B in Three!

Wow.  I still don't think it has sunk in that Brenda will be here in three days.  I think it will hit me Friday when I am flying up to Dulles to meet her there and then fly home with her.  We are excited, hopeful, and a bit cautious.  We don't know what exaclty is going on in B's 10 year old mind but we are hoping things are sorted out soon and we'll know whether or not she is going to be a part of our family.  Your prayers are so appreciated, for her safe travels and for her heart.

We have a fundraiser for her I'll post about tomorrow.  I've also just about finished the "girl's" room and will post about that tomorrow too.  It has turned out pretty cute!

From Here

Abby is not that great today.  She did have her morning seizure at exactly 5:30 a.m. again today.  It was a hard one.  I let her sleep until 6:45 a.m. and tried to get her up to try and get to school on time.  As we walked to her room to get her dressed, she started crying and saying that her legs tingled and hurt.  She was limping pretty badly.  So we went back to bed until 7:30 a.m. and then she was better.  We got to school at 9 a.m. again.

When I picked her up, her teacher said she'd had a bad day.  Lots of daze staring (which can be seizures) and lots of talk that didn't make sense.  "No complete thoughts or sentences," she said.  I had to pick up the dog from the groomers, mail some "thank you's" and pick up the taxes after school and she was very out of it in the car... even after a hot chocolate.  Her pupils were/are huge and so I have given her some meds and have her resting.  We see the doctor Monday morning... just get us to Monday morning.

I have come to realize many things this week.  One is that the craziness of our life has got to stop... there are things we can't change but other things we can... and I am... changing them.  I have pulled out of several activities and have a couple more I want to back away from.  This will help me focus on the other things that are just not getting enough of me.

The second thing is the big thing... and I am so thankful for it... for the clarity of it... for the release from it.

I am not responsible for Abby's illness.  I can not fix her.  She has a genetic cellular disease.  She is not still sick because I am not doing enough, researching enough, praying enough, fasting enough, sanctified enough, pure enough, worthy enough, or spiritual enough.   

I have been bound for years... many years... thinking that if I did any or all of the above better... or enough... that God would heal her because of it.  It has caused me so much pain, anger, heart break, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and confusion... it has eatten away at the very heart of who I was... who I am... it has stolen the life right out of me... and THAT has affected those around me.

God can heal her anytime and in anyway... and it doesn't depend on me.  God has a plan.  God is in control.  And he doesn't need me to do anything in order to heal Abby.  What he does need from me is to love her, to love my family, to love others, and to love him.  The strain and pain and heart break of trying to measure up to being spiritual enough for God to heal my child has kept me from doing well what he simply wants me to do... love.

I can not even put into words the weight and sadness and feelings of betrayal that have been lifted off of me... just by accepting the above.  I don't have to fight anymore... and it's a good thing... because I am all fought out.  I am whipped.  I am defeated.  I am depleted and worn down.

So now I have to refocus on what my priorities need to be and learning how to live here... in this place... where I don't have to fight anymore.  Where I don't have to be good enough anymore.  Where I don't have to earn God's favor and mercy in order for him to heal Abby.  I can rest in the fact that I simply have to love... I hope... I hope I can rest.  Fighting has become such a huge part of who I am now... it will be a struggle to lay it down I am sure.

   

When Abby had her seizure this morning, I didn't feel betrayed.  I didn't feel angry.  I didn't feel like I had failed.  I didn't feel it was about me at all.  I was simply sad for her, got her back to bed, gave her the time she needed, and loved her.  And it was so nice to start the day without being angry with God... without feeling rejected, betrayed, or not good enough.  I was simply a mother... loving and helping her sick child.  This is where I hope I can stay. 

photos are from http://www.ajawin.etsy.com 

Pondering

Well, if you could get inside my head for one night, you would be afraid... very afraid.  My dreams would totally win an oscar if I could figure out how to get them to film!  Last night was the second night in a row that I have dreamed I was pregnant. (I am not, for the record)  The first night, I dreamed I was told it was a girl and just could not believe that life was growing inside of me.  I was also amazed at how I could "feel" the baby moving since I have never had a pregnancy last longer than a month.  There was a sweet contentment and peace that I felt.  The mind is so amazing.

So last night, I guess, was part two of that dream.  I was pregnant again and walking along a long dirt road, having contractions.  Fly boy and a friend of his drove up and picked me up off the side of the road.  I looked down in the back seat and my stomach was rolling like crazy.  But I didn't feel anything.  Then, in typical fashion of most of my dreams, I was in a large pool of water and was having the baby.  Fly boy was not there anymore, but his friend was.  I was just in amazement that I felt nothing, there was no pain and yet my stomach was going crazy.  Then... yes... are you ready for this... seriously... glad you are sitting down... I gave birth to crib bedding.  Yep.  Seriously.  Saw it happen.  I was there.  A bumper, sheets, and blankets... and plastic pieces that go on the bed.  Yep.  Ahh haaa... and let me tell you... I was not happy about it.  I could not believe that someone would play such a cruel joke on me and I was beyond broken hearted that the whole time I thought it was a baby.  I was in total disbelief... as I should have been... I am sure!  Yeah... and I was very annoyed that that stuff was in there too... seriously, these are the emotions I had in this dream.  And so then I awoke in the middle of that at 5:30 a.m. on the dot as Abby had a seizure.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.

I have dreams like this all the time.  CRAZY dreams that leave me going... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... for the entire day.  So there is a little glimpse into my head at night!  Scared aren't you...?

Abby just had one seizure but it was a hard one.  I am thinking if this doesn't stop, we are going to have to increase the bad medicine again. 

I was talking to my mother yesterday, about Abby having seizures right in the middle of me praying for her.  I was trying to explain some of the emotions I feel.  The biggest emotion I feel in that moment is betrayal.  That emotion was ALL OVER the dream I had last night.  My heart screams, "How can you allow this to happen when I am in the middle of praising and thanking you!?"  And it goes deep.  As I look over my childhood, my college years, and now my adult years, I think I see and feel the emotion of betrayal all over it too.  And then that emotion leads to my other main emotion of hurt.  Then hurt leads to my other big emotion of anger. These are the big three... and they are scattered all over the pages of my life... as I am sure they are in many, many lives.

I don't know why I can't really be free of them.  I want to.  I pray to.  But they are still there.  Even though I know I can't "do" anything to make them go away... I have spent years "trying" and "trying not to".  Abby's disease is the biggest tool the enemy uses against me in this area.   My mom mentioned to me that she read on my blog that I have said we have done everything we can "do"... including trying "not to do" and trusting... which is still "doing"... trusting is a verb... so even when you are trying to be still and trust... you are still doing.

Anyway, here is where the biggest struggle for me lies.  I study scripture for examples of healing and try to apply those principals to my life, to Abby's disease and this battle.  I have prayed with expectation.  I have prayed with cries of humble petitions.  I have prayed in the authority of Jesus and the Holy Spirit who live inside of me.  I have fasted.  I have prayed with thanksgiving.  I have prayed with the realness and rawness of anger and agony.  And still... here we are.  And combined with the fact that I believe God heals today, that leaves me thinking that I must be doing something wrong, not doing something enough, or not believing or trusting enough, not surrendering enough, not fasting enough, not praying enough, not faithful enough... which brings me to the overall cry of my heart... I am not enough.  I can't even surrender enough.

And my mom said something to me that I am pondering.  "Dawn, it could just be what it is... Abby's disease is just Abby's disease."  Now this seems to go against what I believe... that EVERYTHING is a spiritual battle.  But do you know that in that statement... I found rest.  For that moment... right after she said that... I felt an exhale of my soul.  That seems to go against one of my main spiritual beliefs... but yet... if it were just her disease... and it wasn't something that had to be fought... that I didn't have to figure out how to fight against... I could rest.  Really rest.  In my spirit. In my soul.  In my heart.  I am totally crying right now as I type this because I have not had that rest since this started six years ago.  As I have fought, and fought, and fought for her, it has beaten me down, torn apart my heart, caused me such pain in the the way I feel towards God, worn me out to the point of being completey different from who I used to be... simply depleted me.  Can it be just that?  Can it be that simple?  This is what I am pondering today.

Oh Well

I enjoyed my movie last night very much.  It haunted me.  When it was over, I wanted more... wanted to watch it again.  I love that kind of movie.

Then I got into bed and snuggled in next to Abby.  I whispered, "I love you" into her ear, took her hand, and started to pray.  As I thanked the Lord for allowing her to get better, she had a seizure.  It was 11:30 p.m.
I started praying against the attack and begging for God to show up.  Then I sunk into my pillow.  I can not tell you the emotions that flood me when she has a seizure as I am praying to the Lord.   That's all I am going to say about that right now.  More maybe later.

I awoke again at 5 a.m. as she had another one.  Disappointment.  Deep.  Tired.  Broken.

So she slept in again and was late again to school.  I got a letter from the school about Abby's tardies.  They are great in number.  I forgot to label a couple of them #1 for sick... aka "seizure".  Oh well.  What can you do?  Then today she slept at school from 10:20 to 11:15 a.m.  Her teacher said she jerked and tossed a lot but woke up in a great mood and did great the rest of the day.  I am so thankful she has a teacher and environment where she can lie down and sleep when she needs to like that. 

So we will see what tonight holds.  We have an appointment with the doctor on Monday morning.

Today I did something for me.  It was LONG over due.  And I had a coupon and $5 referal discount!

Snip Snip...

P.S. Thank you sweet Pickett family for the very sweet gift you sent in the mail to Abby. 

As you can see, they are a hit!  We love and miss you so.

Tuesday

Abby slept, rested, and renewed again last night without a seizure... night #2.  She has also had 4 going on 5 days without one.  This makes me happy.  I also climbed a tree in the back yard to cut out three limbs that split under the weight of the snow... no longer seeing them hang limp... looking so defeated and sad... also makes me happy.  Climbing it was also fun.  And then I ran the lawn mower over the pitiful excuse for grass in the back yard.  If it cuts down on all the tiny brown hay bit things that find themselves on my floor in mass number each hour of each day... then I will be happier. ( I NEED A RUMBA!)  And I have gone on a walk the past two mornings with a friend... in the sunshine... that makes me happy too.  Tonight, after the kids go to bed, I have a chic flick (The Time Traveler's Wife) to watch as I snuggle on the sofa with my blanket, candles and the quiet.  I think this will make me happy too.  It feels nice to have some burden lifted.  I can breathe again.

Hello Monday

Abby rested through the night last night and did not have a seizure!  Oh how hopeful that makes me on this sunny and warm Monday.  I could just sob with relief as it appears she has been saved again.  Each time the "wheels come off" I just am flooded with images of her limp, unable to hold up her head, and twenty pounds... hanging by a thread from the attack of her disease and I just go into this zone... this FIGHT, FIND THE ANSWER, and HANDLE IT mode.  During that darkest time in her life... I could always see her "life" in her eyes... almost screaming to come out and it would choke me.  "Responsibility" fighting against/with "surrendering to God" is exhausting.  It is hard to even put into words. 

Today she is at school... and she is happy to be there.  She has also gone three days without a seizure during the day.  I am so thankful to God for his mercy. 

When this hit this time, the wind was knocked out me.  My soul dove deep into a place... a dark place... and sulked, pouted, cried, kicked and screamed, and then waited.  I could not even bring myself to pray.  I'd try.  Then I would just stop.  I was too empty.  I have prayed these prayers for six years and I was feeling very neglected, over looked and even abandoned by my Father.  How could He just stand by and let this happen again.  After all we have done, after all we have trusted, after all we have believed and claimed in His name.  And so that is where I stayed for a couple of days.  And then I had strength again.  I had strength to hope, pray, and risk being devistated.  And my Father was there, waiting for me.

In that gap, when I could not pray, you did.  You prayed for her and you prayed for us.  And your prayers were heard, they helped, and they have been answered.  Abby did not fall into the dark hole that resides outside the corner of our life.  And I can not find a big enough "Thank you" for your heart, for your love, for your meals, for your prayers, for your visits, for your hugs, for your tears, for your faith, for your friendship.  You mean so much to me.  I love you dearly.  Please continue to pray... we are still on a day to day basis... but then again... aren't we all.

Praise and Perspective

Abby went all day (waking hours) Friday and Saturday without a seizure!  This is good, very good.  Friday night she had four seizures, but one and two and then one... no clusters... this is good.  Then last night, I was nervous as she started doing bed aerobics as soon as we went to bed (body, leg and arm jerks... constantly)... BUT she didn't have a seizure until 6:30 a.m. and it was just ONE!  I just layed almost on top of her and cried out to God to show himself and give her peace... to just let her body rest... and I fell asleep that way... repeating, "Please give her peace... please give her peace... please give her peace."  Then... I awoke at 6:30 a.m.!  What a blessing for both of us, for all of us!

It's funny how one seizure during one part of our life can cause us such pain and in another place in time leave us feeling hopeful... perspective is a funny thing.  Your prayers are such a blessing.  We covet and treasure them and ask you to continue to lift her up through out this week to come.  I am hugging you... hope you can feel it.