One Beautiful Life

A Personal Request

I try to keep my blog upbeat and always strive to give God the glory for what He has done and continues to do in my life. It's been kinda like a mini-mission field. There are people I don't personally know who read this as well as many friends and family. But every now and then I NEED my friends, their strength, their prayers, and their encouragement. Most of the time it is about Abby. And you all were so precious and supportive during the adoption journey of Marc. But now I need to share a personal request and it will be personal. So if you feel uncomfortable, this is your opportunity to move on to a happier blog!

That being said, I am sorry to interrupt my posting about Spain but feel very prompted to share this now. As I have mentioned in past posts, I feel a stirring inside me that I can't really explain. And for once, I am not trying to! I am just listening and waiting to see what God is trying to show me, what He is getting me ready for, what He is trying to teach me... And as I have tuned into this stirring, the attacks have been coming almost without a moment to spare. And the attacks are hitting every aspect of my life... from personal health, to Abby's health, personal relationships, and now my marriage.

So I know I am close to something good because the arrows are flying! And this is where I need my prayer warriors. I need prayers for me.

We learn coping mechanisms along the road of life.

I had written out a much longer post with details about my childhood that explained why I "coped" by becoming detached. But reading back over it, I don't want to portray some people in my life poorly and so I deleted it all. Basically, I was alone, mistreated, manipulated and neglected. Wow... that sounds like a sob story... the details make it sound much less cliche! But seriously, I was a child... I couldn't speak what I really thought or tell people they were hurting me and that I was very angry with them and so I pretended everything was fine on the outside while thinking poorly of them and screaming on the inside. (and into several diaries!)

When I graduated from high school and left that part of my life... all of the sudden I didn't have to stay silent in fear anymore. I could speak what I thought! And so it goes, in short, that when I am hurt and disappointed... I lash out and pull away. My husband used those words in an email to me yesterday... "Lash Out". And it is so true. When he wounds me... I spew venom. The little girl inside of me that is not going to be messed with anymore or manipulated or neglected just lets him have it... and I HATE it. I HATE that part of my heart. And that is where I need complete healing. That is where I need the hand of God to come in and purify.

I also never had a male figure in my childhood that I respected. Today, I totally struggle with respect... I hardly know what it even looks like. And so that is my second request... that God will show me what respect looks like and fill me with it for my husband.

I know this is personal and somewhat heavy for "One Beautiful Life". I am sharing it for several reasons. One is that I never want to come across as Mary Sunshine. I have struggles and issues just like everyone else. Reason two is that I am striving to be real... and real is not always beautiful. The third reason is that I believe in the power of prayer and I KNOW I have prayer partners out there with real love for me... and I need you. And the fourth reason is... God told me to. (He also prompted me to go back and delete!)

If by revealing my flaws, another is encouraged to embrace theirs and lay them before the Lord... and God can heal you through that... then I will be naked and share.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9