One Beautiful Life

Where's Your Smile Miss Grumpy Pants?

I am in a funk again. I am wondering if it's a Clomid induced funk or just perpetual grumpiness. I don't like being grumpy and that makes me even grumpier.

This past weekend, my husband took the family up North for a football game and some camping adventures. The football game was fun (my uncle Bob's team totally rocks... North Hall) and seeing family was very nice. But Saturday, I fell apart.

Camping is something we REALLY love to do and part of the experience is being OUT in the woods and QUIET time and NATURE and stuff. The first camp ground we came to was full. That was fine by me because it was also full of campers and right on the road... who puts a camp ground RIGHT ON THE ROAD?

So we continued driving trying to find another one, not knowing if it too would be full. We went through the WONDERFUL area around Lake Raburn but I was stewing. What if we got there and it was full and we ended up spending the entire day in the car and had to pitch camp in the dark (as we have had to before) and then just get up the next day and leave. The GRUMPINESS overtook me.

We came to the next camp ground and started driving through. To make a long story shorter, there were two spots... one of which someone was sitting in to "hold" it while his car person drove around looking for another spot. It was a bad spot. It was up on a little hill overlooking a parking area for the trails and had no good trees. "I'm glad that spot is taken," I thought to myself. As we pulled around to try and get back to the OTHER spot I was overcome with panic it would be gone. As we came up to it, Mr. Save my spot was there with his car friend! We'd been dupped... had... and now the ONLY spot left was the BAD spot. As we came up to it and it was still available, the tears started flowing. I was overcome with disappointment and anger and exhaustion. My tears caught my poor husband off guard and he could not even understand why I was crying. I really wasn't sure why I was crying but I couldn't stop it. The more I tried to stop crying, the harder the knot in my throat got and I just broke like a dam under pressure.

"We have no options. We can't leave this spot and drive for who knows how long to find another camp ground that might also be full and this one is right on top of cars and it's not even in the woods and it's just horrible and this is what it has to be and....." It was really sad. Then my precious daughter came over to me and said, "It's ok mom... it's a good place... get out and come see... here, I'll help you." Oh... the sadness.

I asked my husband just to give me time to be sad and have my moment... and he did. He gave me some space and started putting up our tent as I sat at the table and watched 100 kids run up and down the road... and cried. OK, it was really just about 8 or so... but I so wanted and needed quiet. After a while, my moment was all spent and we went for a hike. Being in the "real" woods helped. But what really helped was my husband. He let me have a sad little moment and he loved me anyway... right through it. He gave me space and he didn't get on me about messed up priorities and stuff... he just loved me anyway. And that was the best part of our trip.

So anyway, I am sad. Not really sure why. I think I am overwhelmed. I know I am very tired. Sleeping with Abby to monitor seizures doesn't really give me much good sleep as I "sleep" with one ear open and jump at her every wheeze. Hopefully my smile will come back soon... for I really do have much to smile about.