Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween all over again with a little one to share it with! I try to stay away from scary and evil things and keep the holiday fun.

Cinderella, Dusty and I went trick or treating with our friends the Straders. She and Quinn... aka cheerleader... ran from house to house... it was pretty cute.

Cinderella insisted on having a wand... so we stole it from the Fairy Godmother... midnight isn't late enough for us! (We actually made it this afternoon.)

After tricking houses in the neighborhood, we returned to our warm, waiting soup... which I whipped up before we left. Seriously. Opened the pantry... grabbed a can of spinach, can of garbanzo beans, and a can of diced tomatoes... put that in the crock pot with beef stock and added some cooked pasta shells... it was CRAZY good! Returning home to soup is a Hallow's Eve tradition!

So now we are off for our bubble bath extravaganza... so far I have eaten a mini Snickers (my fav), a bite size butterfinger that led me to eat a mini butterfinger and we're off with treats to eat in the tub!

Prayers Please

We are waiting. It is VERY hard to do. There is a little girl that needs a home and we have had our home study sent in to be considered. She is four and will be five next month.

It is so hard to be at some one's mercy. When I was emailing our adoption "helper" this morning, I told her it was hard to be at people's mercy. As I typed it, I realized that we are not really at the mercy of her calling at the right time, or being persistent, or the social worker reading our home study and picking us (amidst a PILE she has surely received), we are really at God's mercy... and that, too, is so very hard sometimes.

So we ask for prayers. Even though God knows whether or not this is the child He wants to join our family, He wants and longs and responds to our prayers... in every matter of our lives. And so I pray to Him today and ask you to do the same. If it be His will, bring her to us and let us love her. If it is not His will, give us comfort and peace in our disappointment.

I HOPE so much she is the one. Of course, I have only seen a small picture along with a small write up... but she looks adorable and there is a little sparkle in her eyes and sweet joy in her smile. It will be a long day... and if we hear nothing today... it will be a long weekend!

*Post Note: Nothing. We heard nothing. Nothing is so hard. But I DO get to raid my daughter's pumpkin soon and can soothe myself with a wee bit of chocolate!

My Precious One

Here is my precious one... in the grass... playing in the straw with her precious little rake.

She'd gone 17 days without a seizure until this morning. I awoke at 5 a.m. to her restlessness. I started praying and patting her back, stroking her hair, trying to calm her back into sleep. I thought about how happy I was that we were so close to three weeks. But I felt it coming. I knew it was coming... just around the corner in the shadows. I prayed a little harder... a simple plea... "Please Lord, no seizure... please Lord, no seizure." She suddenly jerked, her left leg kicked and stiffened and her left arm came up in a clenched fist as her body tensed. The anger and sadness in me battled with the acceptance of this is her life... our life... our reality. The sadness won as I embraced her and spoke words of reassurance to her.

She came out of it and snuggled into me. She tried to talk but her lips and tongue denied her control and left her in mumbles. She's a fighter though... so she mumbled and mumbled until she got out, "What day is it?" The choices are school day, play day and church day. "It's a play day for you precious one." She snuggled in closer and sweetly said, "I had a little seizure." "Yes, yes you did honey... are you ok, does your body feel ok?" "I'm cold... my arms are tingling." So I held her and rubbed her arms for another thirty minutes as she went back into a restoring sleep.

So I am sad today. We'll probably have to increase Keppra tonight. And hopefully we'll start back with number one tonight.

I know I have asked you so many times before... and I ask you again for your prayers for her. Please pray for her seizures to stop, for her mind to open and grow, and for her heart to bloom and be protected. Thank you so much.

My clomid fog has lifted... I am thankful for that. Yesterday was the first day in two weeks that I felt normal and was actually productive! We'll see what I can get done today too!

Rain, Rain, Cleanse Me Today...

What a perfectly wonderful rainy day. Very befitting of my mood. Wonderful reminder of God's provision, His counting of our tears, and His perfect cleansing.

Today, is Abby's last day at school. Her teacher from last years (2)... "Osborne"... is a bit sad... actually very sad. She sees Abby each morning in the hallway on the way to her new class. I am praying for "Osborne"... I love her... we love her.

Today, is Abby's last day of Brain Balance. We are sad we didn't see as much improvement this 12 weeks as we did the first session. Abby is happy to "graduate".

Today, I came home from Bible study and my precious little Dusty had accidents waiting for me around two corners. Poor thing. He'd only done number one this morning in the rain... number two came on my wonderful rug in the study. The first accident I found was in the sunroom with three little spots of sickness... in random formation. My first thought was doom. Then my heart was happy that I had not put him in his kennel... as I usually do. Thinking of him stressed out in that little box with accidents everywhere would have made me cry all day. So I reassured him it was ok as he settled in my lap as I cleaned it up... poor baby. His apology broke my heart.

Today, I will take treats to Abby's class as they say goodbye to her. Today, Don sits at the airport to see if they need him. Today, I am wearing tennis shoes with my gray cords.

Today, we will celebrate with Abby about wonderful changes and accomplishments. Today, I will be prayerful for God's cleansing of my funk... wash it away in the rain.

*Thank you to my precious friend who sent me this photo.

This little face of mine...

I'm gonna let it shine. God is so sweet. He is so very faithful and He is so very active in our lives.

Abby's behavior lately has been trying. My patience has been stetched and my heart just exhausted.

I have been praying... a lot... for God to soften my heart and change my attitude towards to it.

Last night, Abby had a huge emotional breakdown... hmmmm... sound familiar...?

I left her upstairs with her daddy and returned to the dishes and it hit me at the sink.

I have been feeling "off"... in a funk... and have had my own emotional breakdown from a little pill I have been taking two months for 5 days each month. This precious little one is on HIDEOUS amounts of anti-seizure medications daily... and has been for years... and we just had to increase one of them two weeks ago because her seizures were becoming more frequent.

I was overwhelmed with "understanding" and the frustration left and my heart softened in an instant. God is so sweet. God is so faithful. God is so precious to me. I walked upstairs and sat in the hall floor and rocked her and sang to her until she was done with her "little moment".

If this is the only reason I have been taking Clomid for two months... it's so very worth it.

Where's Your Smile Miss Grumpy Pants?

I am in a funk again. I am wondering if it's a Clomid induced funk or just perpetual grumpiness. I don't like being grumpy and that makes me even grumpier.

This past weekend, my husband took the family up North for a football game and some camping adventures. The football game was fun (my uncle Bob's team totally rocks... North Hall) and seeing family was very nice. But Saturday, I fell apart.

Camping is something we REALLY love to do and part of the experience is being OUT in the woods and QUIET time and NATURE and stuff. The first camp ground we came to was full. That was fine by me because it was also full of campers and right on the road... who puts a camp ground RIGHT ON THE ROAD?

So we continued driving trying to find another one, not knowing if it too would be full. We went through the WONDERFUL area around Lake Raburn but I was stewing. What if we got there and it was full and we ended up spending the entire day in the car and had to pitch camp in the dark (as we have had to before) and then just get up the next day and leave. The GRUMPINESS overtook me.

We came to the next camp ground and started driving through. To make a long story shorter, there were two spots... one of which someone was sitting in to "hold" it while his car person drove around looking for another spot. It was a bad spot. It was up on a little hill overlooking a parking area for the trails and had no good trees. "I'm glad that spot is taken," I thought to myself. As we pulled around to try and get back to the OTHER spot I was overcome with panic it would be gone. As we came up to it, Mr. Save my spot was there with his car friend! We'd been dupped... had... and now the ONLY spot left was the BAD spot. As we came up to it and it was still available, the tears started flowing. I was overcome with disappointment and anger and exhaustion. My tears caught my poor husband off guard and he could not even understand why I was crying. I really wasn't sure why I was crying but I couldn't stop it. The more I tried to stop crying, the harder the knot in my throat got and I just broke like a dam under pressure.

"We have no options. We can't leave this spot and drive for who knows how long to find another camp ground that might also be full and this one is right on top of cars and it's not even in the woods and it's just horrible and this is what it has to be and....." It was really sad. Then my precious daughter came over to me and said, "It's ok mom... it's a good place... get out and come see... here, I'll help you." Oh... the sadness.

I asked my husband just to give me time to be sad and have my moment... and he did. He gave me some space and started putting up our tent as I sat at the table and watched 100 kids run up and down the road... and cried. OK, it was really just about 8 or so... but I so wanted and needed quiet. After a while, my moment was all spent and we went for a hike. Being in the "real" woods helped. But what really helped was my husband. He let me have a sad little moment and he loved me anyway... right through it. He gave me space and he didn't get on me about messed up priorities and stuff... he just loved me anyway. And that was the best part of our trip.

So anyway, I am sad. Not really sure why. I think I am overwhelmed. I know I am very tired. Sleeping with Abby to monitor seizures doesn't really give me much good sleep as I "sleep" with one ear open and jump at her every wheeze. Hopefully my smile will come back soon... for I really do have much to smile about.

Waiting for Evie

As we continue to walk forward in faith along our journey of life, our thoughts are often with Evie.

Evie is the little one we hope to adopt. We are in the waiting process of adopting a toddler. Evie is the name we call her as we pray for her daily and have for years now.

Abby asks about Evie everyday. We thought we were going to get our "Evie" and so we changed my jewelry studio room into her bedroom in one day. But things changed and Evie didn't come. We told Abby that God is looking to find Evie and will bring her to us when He is ready and when she is ready.

So everyday, Abby takes things of hers to Evie's room and gives them to her. These are some of her socks she has given to Evie along with some toys she placed right in the doorway so Evie could immediately see she had some toys. There is a pile of hair barretts, stuffed animals, purses, belts, ribbons, and the much needed pull ups. It just makes me smile... just like my Q-tips.

We do not know what God has in store for us. Whether Evie will come through a pregnancy or through the miracle of adoption. But we do believe with all our hearts we have a place for her and it is in God's plan for her to be a part of our family. And so we wait and pray... and fill her room with wonderful little things of love.

I love you...

As we bend our lifestyle to bend with changing times, as we move in the wind and wait for life changes with faith and uncertainty, as we allow ourselves to be molded and stretched in the Potter's Hands, as we search and strive to be the people God has created us to be... I am reminded how much I love you... my husband... my companion... my friend... my so much more... Thank you for loving me... even when I have been unlovable.

Fabulous Fall Day on the Farm

Cool Breezes, Hay, Animals, Pumpkins, Tractors, Pony Rides, Barns, Trail Hike, Hay Ride, Picnic Lunch, Crafts, and Family... perfect!

I am not sure who had more fun today... me or Abby.

I could have stayed and played with the goats and llamas all day. One precious llama became my friend and gave me kisses and secrets. I'm ready to live on a farm.

I know I have said this before... but this time of year brings me so much joy. The day is captured in our slide show to the left!

Today I will know.

Post Note: The test said "NO". He said "No".

And that is alright.

I trust in His word and His promises and His plan... His will.

The coolest thing is that I can say that with 100% of my soul.

"The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Prov. 16:9

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

As we traveled through the darkest time in our lives, in the midst of Abby's illness and rapid decline, "The Mystery of God's Will," by Charles Swindoll, changed my perspective and really helped change my life... as well as "Disappointment with God," by Philip Yancey.

Swindoll: "Doing the will of God is rarely easy and uncomplicated. Instead, it is often difficult and convoluted. (57) "The longer we walk with God, the more we realize that we really don't know what each new day may bring... God alone knows our future. And there's no safer, better, no more rewarding place to be than in the nucleus of His will, regardless of where that may be." (70) "In God's sovereign plan, your life may be painful, disappointing, difficult, inexplicably confusing, and downright mysterious. But through it all, God somehow will get all the glory. (90) "He wants us to know His will. Though He remains "silent as light," He is engaged in directing our steps." (103) "When you are walking in the Spirit, and when you're thinking through Scriptures reflectively, when you are open to where God's leading, that magnet will start pulling you, and you will sense a direction." (107)

This was personal to share today. Some thank me often for being real. Some wonder why I am so personal.

This is why.

There are people who read this blog because they have a child suffering, many who never leave me a comment and many I have never met. There are people who read this blog because they struggle with infertility. Others read it because they knew me back when and want to know what is going on in my life. Others read it because they have a deep love for us, miss us, and want to feel like are more a part of our daily lives (family). But all these people have one thing in common... they can see God present in our lives. Our real lives. Our moments of happiness and joy, our moments of sadness and fear, moments or anticipation and acceptance.... life's moments. And if one person who reads this blog can see God... in the good, bad, and ugly... and be encouraged and strengthened in their own "real life"... then God is glorified. That is worth me being personal... and real... and so I share.

I pray one person is uplifted. God is in control. His will is perfect. We could not be in better hands... baby feet or no baby feet...

It was one of the best Saturdays.

Abster let Mommy Majesty sleep in until 8:30 a.m. HUGE luxury!

Morning light, breakfast in the sunroom and "Free Willy". I cried, of course.

*Notice the cinnamon on Abster's mouth AND pollen on her face from smelling my flowers from Daddy!

Salsa and fajitas before a birthday party, at the jumping place!

Sharing our lunch with our taco bee buddies...

Limbo in the Park, the OBVIOUS way to pass under a LIMBO stick!

Face painting, picnic dinner, lawn chairs, stars, moon and "Horton Hears A Who" in the Park...

the good stuff childhood should be made of!

Abby: Mommy! I helped you!!!

Mommy: What did you do honey?

Abby: Umm.. you know when we get out of the shower... and the sticks...

Mommy: Q-Tips?

Abby: Yes! Q-Tips... I put them in the cup for you!!!

Mommy: Thank you honey... thank you so much.

Abby: You're welcome mommy. Can I have a sticker for helping?

Mommy: You can have two stickers precious one!

Note: The Q-tips remain this way in my bathroom. And each day when I go to get one... a huge smile fills my soul!

Abby and the Vac

I thought my little one was helping me out. Actually... she did go around the baseboards... until it found her pants leg, and then her arm, and then her hair, and then her face (yes, sucked half her cheek in!) and then her shirt! I wish I could get the laughter that came from the bottom of her toes as she "cleaned up"! It was priceless!

* Don't you love her pants hanging down... she's my little Kazak Georgia Girl!