One Beautiful Life

Weight of Life

The weight of life seems to be bearing down with a vengeance right now. I want to scream, "No more!" It has been crazy, really, since December with Karina's arrival and stay. Then just days after she left, Abby spiraled. Then after that came recovery. Now after two deaths in the family, my body has just had it and has decided to pretty much fall apart.
On several occasions I have woken up and endured much pain to even move. This happened again this past Monday. I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, but when it hurts in several places to walk, it makes daily life a little trying! Wau...wauu..wauuu....

So I struggle to lay it down... lay it down before God and ask for guidance. I am have an appointment with a bone specialist next week and am just hoping to find some sort of answers.
I am also trying to lay my stressors before Him, as they weigh on me and can be having some sort of affect on my muscles.

One of which is our effort to find and adopt Caroline. My heart breaks every night as Abby prays for her to come. Now that Abby's health is so unstable, we can not leave the country with or without her for several weeks... much less six weeks. So we had to stop and cancel our adoption process and we won't be traveling to Kazakhstan after all. This thing has been such a roller coaster and not going now has broken my heart. I feel as if she is there and I have abandoned her. I have to trust that is it God's plan because we have remained faithful in prayer about this situation from the beginning. The hardest part is that all three of us still have a strong desire for another child in our family... that part has never changed. So... here we are... waiting. Abby asks about Caroline almost every day and we have no answers for her. So we are being honest with her and telling her that we can't go to Kazakhstan anymore and we are waiting for God to show us where Caroline is...

SO I am feeling a bit lost and I HATE being in this place. This is where I struggle... when the plan falls apart and I am left empty handed. So I am GUESSING I am in a season of trusting God right now! The only thing that helps me get through this is KNOWING how sovereign my precious God is... even when I don't understand. And so I cling to that... and to Him... and wait.