Weight of Life

The weight of life seems to be bearing down with a vengeance right now. I want to scream, "No more!" It has been crazy, really, since December with Karina's arrival and stay. Then just days after she left, Abby spiraled. Then after that came recovery. Now after two deaths in the family, my body has just had it and has decided to pretty much fall apart.
On several occasions I have woken up and endured much pain to even move. This happened again this past Monday. I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, but when it hurts in several places to walk, it makes daily life a little trying! Wau...wauu..wauuu....

So I struggle to lay it down... lay it down before God and ask for guidance. I am have an appointment with a bone specialist next week and am just hoping to find some sort of answers.
I am also trying to lay my stressors before Him, as they weigh on me and can be having some sort of affect on my muscles.

One of which is our effort to find and adopt Caroline. My heart breaks every night as Abby prays for her to come. Now that Abby's health is so unstable, we can not leave the country with or without her for several weeks... much less six weeks. So we had to stop and cancel our adoption process and we won't be traveling to Kazakhstan after all. This thing has been such a roller coaster and not going now has broken my heart. I feel as if she is there and I have abandoned her. I have to trust that is it God's plan because we have remained faithful in prayer about this situation from the beginning. The hardest part is that all three of us still have a strong desire for another child in our family... that part has never changed. So... here we are... waiting. Abby asks about Caroline almost every day and we have no answers for her. So we are being honest with her and telling her that we can't go to Kazakhstan anymore and we are waiting for God to show us where Caroline is...

SO I am feeling a bit lost and I HATE being in this place. This is where I struggle... when the plan falls apart and I am left empty handed. So I am GUESSING I am in a season of trusting God right now! The only thing that helps me get through this is KNOWING how sovereign my precious God is... even when I don't understand. And so I cling to that... and to Him... and wait.

My Grandmother

1928-2008

My grandmother died last week. She was 79 years old. She'd been not doing well at all for several months, so her death was some what expected. But death is death and it is so final. To bury her youngest daughter just a few weeks ago and now her, death seems more real and final to me than ever before.

The finality of death, of course is just for our body and our life here on earth. However, it is not final at all in the fact that our soul lives on. I should say that the seperation of soul and body is more real to me... and it has impressed on me, even more, the importance of decisions we make in the brief moments of this life we are given.

As I look at this picture of my grandmother at 9 years of age, I see a young girl with a life time ahead of her. Many moments lie ahead to make decisions that will affect the life of herself, her friends, her children and her grandchildren. Decisions that will have affects for generations. Looking at this picture, she doesn't appear to know the magnitude of those choices... what 9 year old does?

The only way to make choices that are good choices is to do it in the presence and with the guidance of a God who has promised to guide us well. Even then we mess up... but God can and does bring beauty from ashes.

My grandmother had a heart that held on to her childhood with clinched fists. Her heart held on to the dreams and to the pain that came from and forever remained there. As an adult, she often talked of her childhood and her room looked like a child's, full of pictures from her childhood, dolls, teddy bears, and small trinkets. When she talked to me about these items, I could see on her face and in her voice that they carried memories of pain... and it broke my heart.

This pain followed her and tormented her. It caused her to lash out at people she loved. It sorrows me to my core to see how pain can cause people such torment. This same pain carries on throughout this family... through many, many family members. The healing hand of God awaits... waits opened and ready. His healing hand is the only source of healing and I pray that this family can embrace the God of the universe who offers such refuge and freedom.

My grandmother's favorite color was blue. Her favorite flowers were tulips and pansies. Her favorite movie as a young girl was "Golden Earrings". She loved my grandfather with her whole heart as he loved her. She had four girls and raised one of her grandsons as her own son. She walked through this life the best way she knew how and she loved the best way she could... and now she is gone.

Venting on Valentine's Day!

Today is the day of love. It should be renamed the "Day of being ripped off!" I have made several calls to some of our favorite restaurants (we are going on a date tonight) and they all have these "packages" for like $80+ per couple... RIP OFF! They know people are going to want to go on dinner dates and so they try and make a quarter's worth of sales in one night. And they don't even give you the option of the package or the menu... if you eat there, you pay $80 to sit in their seat! Oh, and wine is extra! Well, I am not having it! We will not do it... and you shouldn't either! It will be a sushi date or pizza for us tonight and we will still have a wonderful time!!!!!!!!!! I am not even mentioning the rip off the florists pull today... I'll send flowers tomorrow!
Thank you for listening... I feel much better now! :0)

Happy Valentine's Day! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Good and the Bad of It...

Well, I'll start the with the good, because, well, good is good! :0) ha

Abby is doing GREAT! Oh how my soul leaps with happiness when I see her smile or open her eyes wide with happiness ( a new face she does). Her new diet, minus the eggs and milk and caesin and dairy is much easier than I thought it would be and within a week we could see a difference in her appearance! Amazing. YEE HAAA

She has also adjusted well to the medication and tomorrow will be two weeks without a seizure! PRAISE GOD!
Her teacher told me today that she was seeing a difference in Abby too! YAEHHHH She is more alert at school and is "getting it" much more than she really has all year!!!!!!!!!! :0))))))
Happy... Happy... JOY... JOY... JOY!

On one down side, I have been having major back and neck issues now for over a month. Sometimes it is so bad I can hardly move. Lately, my neck pain has been joined with a very unfestive headache the runs along the entire right side of my head with my eyeball wanting to explode. It's very hard to be cheerful when you feel like this! :0(

I believe in my chiropractor very much and so back I have gone and we took some x-rays this week. I have scoliosis pretty badly... I knew this though. My curve is in the lower region which causes pain down there. I also knew my neck was not curved right. But this time one of my vertebrae doesn't look right...:0( It looks, actually, concave... maybe like it's degenerating... Oh great! Or there could be something going on inside the bone... oh festive! AND the little wing things on each side of it are practically gone... these help balance the spine in the neck... double great. SO the good news here is that I am walking and functioning! Merrrrcyyyyyyyyy.....
So my x-rays are being sent to a radiologist to be reviewed and I should have more info in a week. So we'll see..... yuck!

On an even downer note: you can stop reading if you just can't take anymore!, we have had a very unexpected death in the family. My mother's youngest sister, Kim, who was just 43, died last week of a massive heart attack. My mother's mother could die any day but this was a great shock.

It has caused me grief in my soul to see so many people reeling with regrets and sadness because of things that could and should have been said and forgiven. It has saddened my soul greatly to see some one's life gone and others left still looking to cause drama, looking for someone to blame, and not looking to the Lord. I mean, that's it in a nutshell... the Lord is not present in many of the people's life involved and it is so very evident and it just saddens me to the core.

As I talked with one of my aunt's, she mentioned a friend, Susan I think, who reads this blog everyday. She doesn't know me, but reads this everyday. I pondered that thought on the way back to the hotel. I have been struck by emails from several people I don't know who read this and wanted access to continue reading it when I went private. I realized that people are drawn to this blog. They are drawn to something and the something they are drawn to is the LORD. PRAISE HIM. I was overwhelmed with compassion for people who come here because they can see the Lord alive in our lives and they are drawn to that.

It moved me to just simply state, that anyone reading this blog, and anyone moved by how God moves in our lives can have this same God of the universe moving and active in yours. John 3:16 says, "That Jesus so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." God longs to be active in your life. He longs to have you talk to Him, to cry out to Him, to rely on Him, and to seek Him. He longs to be your Father and He longs to bless you. But you have to seek him daily and call out to him for guidance daily and He will answer... and you will be moved to see the God of the universe be so personal and sovereign.

If you do not belong to God, please do not let another day pass without considering who He is and what He has done and offered to you. Life is temporary and can be gone in a moment.

So there was my moment on the soap box. How I would love to see healing and God's light shinning in the lives of so many. This life is not about us. It's not about stuff. It's not about being seen or standing on our rights. It's not about judging everyone and being hateful and self centered. It's about reflecting the love of our Lord who sent Jesus to die to cover our sins. How simple and how beautiful if we could only stay focused on Him.

BIRTHDAY TOES...

My mom and I had to be out of the house for a while and so we treated ourselves to some birthday pampering... a much needed and over due moment of pampering! We found this new place open on a Sunday and I got the best manicure and pedicure I'd ever gotten.

The whole experience brought back memories of my WORST manicure EVER that oddly enough was last February. I had gone to Winchester for a break because Abby had gotten very ill again that past December. I was in much need for a manicure.

So my mom had an appointment at Merl Norman (sp?) for a stone manicure and it was going to cost over $30. Being the thrifty girl I am... Iwalked down a few doors to "Nails R US" to get mine done for $15. When I walked in, I got the standard... "What can we do for you?" "I'd like a manicure please," I responded with much anticipation. "Pick color." Yes, yes, I know... so I picked my color. I was then directed to a stool that sat in front of a U-shaped table (clue number one) where two other women were sitting.

Well, I must have disrupted the party because my little nail lady was very disgusted I was even there. She slid over on her stool and started looking at my nails. As her nose drew up in judgement, I felt myself justifying my horrid nail condition... I mean my daughter was very ill and I was falling apart... not much more information needed here.

So she starts trimming my nails and is moving in fast rapid fashion. The other women are just watching and I am starting to feel a little hot. She then grabs her cuticle trimmers and starts her work. "You nails are BADDDDDDD," she says LOUDLY in her precious accent. My eyes open wide in disbelief and I get out a meek, "It's been a while since I've been able to do this." She keeps ripping the cuticle off and it's piling up on her tool and then she brings it in close to my face... "Look how much this is." The knot is finding it's way up my throat and I answer with a little distain myself, "Yes... I know... that's... WHY... I... am... HERE."

Now she has just peeved me off and I am getting hotter by the minute. Where is the love? I mean... can't she just talk badly about my nails in her private language that they normally chat in while you get your nails done!

So she SLAPS my polish on and my head is starting to spin. Do I tell her what I think? Do I cry? I mean I just needed 15 minutes of papmering and I got the five minute hateful Jiffy Lube of Nails!

Then... she finishes and takes one of my hands and holds it up in front of my face and says, "Look what I do for you!" Are you kidding me? Am I on candid camera? Have I just been PUNKED? My mouth hangs open and I get out again... "Yes, thank you, THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE!!!!"

Oh... my heart is pounding again just thinking about it.

So, I did what any good girl would do... I PAID HER, tipped her not, and left. I rehashed the story while my mom got her STONE manicure and massage and gave them all a great laugh!

To this day we cry out, "You nails are BADDDDD," anytime we even mention the word manicure! So if your nails need some love... GO... GO and get it done before it's too late!

Happy Birthday To Me!


Oh, my 34th birthday was this past Sunday and it was fun to have a birthday. My parents were here and I had a wonderful afternoon of pampering with my mom! My husband and dad went all out and decorated for my party, while I was gone, with crepe paper and balloons! It was very FESTIVE! We had a nice little party with some Super Bowl action... how lucky am I?

If my cake looks "funny" to you... it WAS! Since Abby has a egg, milk and dairy allergy... I asked Don to try and find a pie or make jello jigglers or something. WELLLLLL, He really wanted me to have a cake and so he and my dad pored over lables in the grocery store for WAY TOO LONG and found a cake mix and some egg substitute. WELLLLL, the cake wasn't "feeling" the substitute and so it rebelled and just didn't stick together! It was a CRUMBLING cake! My precious friend Shelly had the TASK of TRYING to frost it... can you picture it... and needless to say, gave up! So we had chocolate crumble cake (new dish at our house!) with the frosting on the side! :0) The funniest part was that Abby was all upset... yes, upset... because her cake was falling apart and didn't want to it.... GO FIGURE! When she saw that EVERYONE'S cake fell apart... she finally gave in. And I must say, it tastes GREAT!

I am so blessed to have my precious little one rebounding so QUICKLY from her illness! We are over joyed with THANKSGIVING for God's gracious and bountiful blessings upon her!

Helmet Day!

Abby returned to school this Wednesday for half days. We have a helmet for Abby to wear at school when walking in the halls and on the playground for protection. Her first day back, her entire class and her teachers (and the school nurse) wore helmets to make her feel welcome. It was precious. I stayed with her this week and was just amazed and touched with how loved she is by her school family and friends. Children were coming up to her with so much concern on their faces and in their hearts... I was blown away. Many children prayed for her and were thrilled to see her back.

It was a great week for Abby. We found out some wonderful things from her blood work with brain balance. I say wonderful because they are big things we can go after that are already making a difference. The huge one is that she is allergic (very much so!) to caesin, milk, eggs and dairy. Caesin is a dairy product found in may foods and her numbers were off the charts... 900 being high of the high and she scored 1800! So immediately we have removed those things from her diet and I am thrilled to be doing something that can make her feel so much better.

We also saw that her body is not eliminating toxins very well and really has just been in crisis mode. We have increased her Co Q-10 intake by doubling it and are awaiting suppliments made specifically for her results and her body needs! I am thrilled about this. There were lots of other things it showed that just gives us so much hope to see definate things we can address... which is a gift with Abby.

She is also on a rotation diet right now where she doesn't get the same food more than once in a four day period! I have become a meal planner (like my sweet friend Karen) for the first time. I am planning all three meals for four days and it's actually nice to know what the next meal is going to be! Who knew!? (Karen did! :0) So our fridge is FULL of food. It is hard to have fresh fruits and vegetable each day and not repeat them in a four day period! If it's a fruit... we've got it!

Her seizures also seem to be ALMOST under control... PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!! THANK YOU.

She was down to one a night. My parents are here for the weekend and my mom has slept with her the past two nights to give me a break... THANK YOU!!!!!!... and hasn't heard/seen any. So I am sleeping with her tonight to see. We are THRILLED and so very THANKFUL for the quick rebound she has had from this. She has gained back most of her balance and strength in her legs. She remains a bit weak on the right side but is VERY GOOD about her daily therapy routine!

So for now, she'll go to school next week for half days again to work her endurance back up. I'll be going with her and staying with her again and it has been such a blessing to be at school with her.

I can't thank you all enough for the HUGE outpore of love and support and PRAYER we have received from you all. PLEASE KNOW You have been a HUGE part of this precious child's recovery because of your faithfulness to prayer! We love you all.